From: Neo J. Menasor <neomenasor@aol.comREMOVE> Subject: [PW!] Bob Vila's Nightmare (Or: Tool Time with Neo!) Date: Thursday, January 20, 2000 7:17 PM Neo stared at the huge box. His mother had gotten it for Christmas. It was from Billy Bob. It was a Satellite dish............Neo's Mom liked it. Neo smiled, "Mom, I'll put this together!" Everyone laughed at his proposal. Neo set the work, he got a bunch of tools and called his Aunt's boyfriend Tim. 9:00 AM 1-20-00 Eevee, Rigel, Kathy, sit at the Patio table and watched as Neo and Tim got ready to do a great undertaking. Rigel took a sip of her Hot Cocoa, "Why don't you think Neo can put this thing together?" Kathy smirked, "Images of him trying to put together Legos with a Circular saw come to mind" Neo smiled, "You laugh now......but I'll get this thing together." Tim handed Neo the instructions, "Here you go Mike." Neo smiled, "Ah................this says we can have this together in 20 minutes.....I'll show them! I wager we'll have it done in 15!!!" 9:35 AM The girls sat around talking, "Isn't he the hottest guy you've ever seen Kathy?" Kathy nodded, flicking the lock of blonde hair out of her face. They all heard a victorious yell, "WE'VE DONE IT!" Kathy jumped in her chair, "You ....put it together!?!?!!?" Neo laughed, "Hell no! I've just got the box open!" Neo and Tim lift the box and empty it out over the floor, several styrofoam peanut fall out of the open end. Neo turns his head around and peers into the 7x3x1 box. Several metal pieces fall into Neo's face. 9:36 AM Neo gets finished wrapping the gauze around his head, "Now what Tim?" Time reads the intructions, "Um....get the 'L' shaped connectors" Neo digs and finds them, but he's holding them wrong. "Timmy, there's some '7' shaped ones.....will they work?" Tims sighs, "Yeah....it says we'll need a blowtorch, can you go get one?" Neo smiles, "I'll be back in a jiffy!" 9:50 AM The girls laugh as Neo and Tim try to get the blow torch to work. Tim sighs, "Well Neo...I don't see a clog. You look into it, I'll hold a lighter up to it so you can see inside." Even a Politician could see where this was going. The girls cover their faces and a few minutes later....., "AUUUUUUGH!!!! MY EYEBROWS HAVE BEEN TOTALLY BURNED OFF MY FACE!!!" Tim races for water as Neo dances around the living room, screaming with his blackened face. Tim dumps the water on Neo's face and he falls to the ground, "Get.....more Gauze." 10:00 AM Rigel chuckles, "Did Neo find his Eyebrow hairs?" Kathy sighed, "Yeah, he's re-attached them to his face." Neo sits down next to Tim, gauze wrapped around his face. Tim looks over, "Mike....are you sure you want to keep going? It was a miracel we found your eyebrows." Neo sighed, "No, this will go to my Mother...I want to do it." Tim sighed, "Okay....we'll have to get on the roof though." Neo smiled, "That's fine with me!" Tim shoves all the pieces into the box and climbs up the ladder. Neo follows, until he loses grip and falls.....right into Neo's Mom's rose garden. 10:10 AM Tim sighs on top of the roof, "I think I should do it by myself......you took a pretty nast fall." Neo puts his heavily bandaged arm around Tim's shoulder, "You know Tim....you love Robin, I love Mom. You would do this for her." Tim sighes, "Me too.....but when I get blasted in the face with a blow torch, have metal parts fall into my face, and fall into a rose garden I would call it quits for one day." Neo smiled....although you couldn't tell from under his gauze mask, "That's why God made us different. Neo stood up carefully, the Williams mansion had a flat roof.....but he was close to the slope. Tim got the instructions, "Okay......attach L connecter 'A' with bar 'B'." Neo smiles, "As easy as pie" he screws them together. Tim smiles, "Good.....now get the electric drill. Drill halfway through this piece of wood." Neo cocks his head, "How will I know when I'm halfway?" Tim sighs, "I'll drill....you hold the wood." Neo holds the wood, Tim begins to drill.....after a few seconds he breaks through the other side. Tim says, "Damn, drilled to far." Neo brings down the wood...red splotches cover his gauze mask, "Yeah...I guess you could say that." 10:24 AM Neo holds up his red-stained gauze covered hand. Tim sighs, "Sorry, I didn't kno-" Neo holds up his good hand, "No...don't try to stop me." Tim smiles, "Well...I got to get another beer.....could you hammer these nails into the support wood?" Neo smiles, "Sure!" As Tim climbs down, Neo begins hammering. He gets a nail into the roof and smirks, "Here goes!" He smashes the hammer down, and the sound of cracking bones greets him. 11:30 AM Tim smiles, "Neo, we need to do one more thing. We need to get the powersaw, this piece of wood's too long." Neo barely smiles, "Cool......." He goes to plug it in. Then Tim stops him, "Mike, We already have the drill, screwdriver, power sander, and radio plugged in......don't you think this might over load it?" Neo laughs, "Hell no! Watch.." Neo plugs it in, and begins shaking as electric currents course through his body. He jerks around, right off the roof. 3:00 PM Neo's Mom sighs, "Neo...I would have gotten someone else to do it. But, you gave your health to put that dish up. I love you for it." Rigel steps in, "Dawn, he can't hear you. When the doctors put him in the full body cast they had to stick gauze in his ears." Neo's Mom sits down, "Can he watch TV? He'll want to do that." Rigel thinks for a moment, "Yeah, if it's turned down VERY low. The electric shock hyper-expanded his hearing." Neo's Mom replies, "Well.....we'll leave him alone, maybe go into town to eat." She carefully pulls the gauze out of Neo's ears and turns on the TV. Everyone leaves Neo alone as he lies in the body cast. He feels content to finally be resting. At least for a few seconds. He hears an ominous cracking sound, and opens his eyes to see the fleeting glimpse of the ceiling fan falling on top of his body. The End. The One and Only: Neo J. Menasor Supreme Commander of the Flying Grape Tree Follower of Dreadite Friends don't let Friends use WebTV The Covenent of Primus, it's a COOKBOOK!!!