From: Jose L. Solano (jsolano199@aol.comlink) Subject: [PW!][NC] Return of the Jedi (2/3) Newsgroups: Date: 2000-08-17 15:54:22 PST (Back on Lego-Bah, S2-B2 waits by the X-Wing as Robert talks to Yoda) Yoda- Old and weak I am... complete my life-sized Lego Podracer, I will not... Robert- Yeah, you look pretty old to me. Yoda- Bah. Robert- Hey, before you kick the bucket, just tell me one thing. Yoda- One thing, hehehehehe. Robert- Youíre a little smartass, you know? Yoda- Know that, I do. When gone am I, take care of my webpage, you must. Robert- Fine, but I must know one thing- Is Dread Vader my father? Yoda- Heh, I liked birds. Robert-... Yoda- Do you like birds? Prefer them with bright plummage, I do. Robert-... Yoda- One day, walked through the swamp, I did, and- Robert- TELL ME!! Yoda- Your daddy he is. Robert- Then he DOES owe me twenty years worth of presents... Yoda- And... child support payments. Well... dead will I be... soon. Robert- Ok. Hey, can I keep your cane? Yoda- There is... another... Skywalker..... (Yoda disappears and Robert takes his cane) Robert- Heehee!! (Mobey-Wan Fenobi appears) MWF- Hey! Leave it there! Robert- Awww... MWF- So, how does it feel being last of the idio-er Jedi? Robert- Why didnít you tell me Vader was my father? MWF- Your father Robert Skywalker Senior was seduced by the Dark Side. When that happened, the good man that was your father ceased to exist. So I lied. Robert- What?! No ďCertain-point-of-viewĒ crap? MWF- This wasnít from ďa certain point of view,Ē I lied. Robert- Well, at least youíre honest. MWF- Oh yeah, you also have a twin sister, but just to piss you off, I wonít tell you who she is. Robert- NO!! TELL ME!! MOBEY-WAAAAAAAAN!! MWF- Figure it out on your own. Use the Force, Robert. Robert- Uh... Demi Moore? MWF- No. Robert- Hmmm... The girl next door? MWF- No. Robert- Uh... Catherine Zeta-Jones?! MWF- ...No. Robert- Whew! Uh... MWF- Itís Mithril-rama you twit! Robert- Rilli!! Rilliís my sister! MWF- Thatís correct. Bury your feelings Robert. They due you credit but... um... Robert- They could be made to serve the Emperor? MWF- Uh, I was going to say that they make you look like a big wuss, but that works. (Meanwhile, on Sullustful, the Rebel Fleet gathers for a huge meeting.) Trent- Hey, look at you, a general! Simon- You know what that means! Trent- What? Simon- POLISH MY BOOTS!! Trent- What?! Simon- DONíT TALK BACK!! GET DOWN AND GIMME FIFTY!! Trent- Fuck you, Iím a general, too! Simon- Damn!! Who the hell was the idiot who made you general?! (Bess Mothma) Simon- Speak of the devil... Bess Mothma- Silence!! The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come. (Everyone continues talking) Bess- ... Admiral Neobar- Hey you big bunch of pussies shut up and listen godammit!! (Everyone pays attention) Bess- Our Bothan spies have stolen the plans to the Second DEATH POKEBALL. We have also learned that Emperor Hikage himself is overseeing the final stages of the construction. Many Bothans died to bring us this information... Bothans- No we didnít! Bess- *ahem* (As Admiral Neobar turns on the holoprojector, Several Rebel guards surround the Bothan spies and shoot them) Neobar- You can see here the DEATH POKEBALL orbitting the Forest Moon of Blendor. It has a shield... or something. Simon- Ok then, and then we fly into the superstructure when the shieldís down and blow that sucka from the inside? Neobar- Uh... sure, why not? But thereís like a shield... or some crap. General Mimic, Iím hung over, take over... hey, that rhymes! Hung over, take over! Hung over, take over! General Mimic- Shut up, fishface. Stealth team must go down to Blendor, take out shield. General Solo, strike team ready? Trent- Me?! WHY?! General Mimic- Because you just get in way and we want you dead... I mean you very good general. Trent- I mean, Iím Trent!! Iím the badass of the series!! Iím played by HARRISON FORD!! Rilli- No youíre not, youíre just written by some idiot who has too much free time. Simon- Yeah, be a man, Trent! Destroy that shield, guzzle some beer, get laid! Trent- Ok fine, but I still need some men. (Silence) Trent- Well?! Randy- *growl* Rilli- Fine, Iíll go and see if you get the job done at all. Trent- Ok. Robert- OOH!! OOH!!! WHATíS GOING ON?! Simon- Trentís going down to- Robert- I DONíT CARE!! COUNT ME IN!! (At the Rebel Hangar) Simon- Hey Trent, lend me your ship. Trent- Why? Simon- Because Iím gonna use it you bum! Trent- Uh, ok, fine. Just donít let that navigator drool all over the controls. Oolank Numb- Gaah!! (Trent gets on board the Shuttle Dilirium. He sighs) Rilli- Whatís wrong? Trent- I dunno, I get this strange feeling, like Iím here just for cheap laughs. Rilli- Arenít you? Randy- *growl* Trent- Shut up!! Randy- *roar* Trent- Just take off, Randy! (Shuttle Dilirium takes off. Meanwhile on the DEATH POKEBALL II, Emperor Hikage address Dread Vader, Commander Shard and Moff Raven) Dread Vader- What is thy bidding, my- Commander Shard- Bastard. Dread- ... Shard- Tee hee (Dread smacks him upside the head) Hikage- Send the fleet to the far side of Blendor. There it will stay until called for. Dread- What of the reports of a Rebel fleet massing near Sullustful? Hikage- It is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed and young Skywalker will be one of us! Your work here is finished my friend. Go out to the command ship and await my orders. Moff Raven- Yes, my master. Hikage- Wha-?! What the hell is it with you?! Moff Raven- I just want a friend! Dread- Go play with Commander Shard. Shard- Awww... do I have to?! Dread- GO!! Raven- How degrading! Having to be seen with Shard!! (Soon, Shuttle Dilirium arrives) Admiral Ziddar- Hey, who the hell are you? Trent- We come in peace. Dread Vader- What is this? Rilli- The code, you idiot! Trent- Uh... transmitting code. (Admiral Ziddar recieves the code) Admiral Ziddar- This isnít the code... but you look like Imperials, so Iíll let you go by. Dread Vader- Why did you do that? Ziddar- Because Iím lazy. Dread- The idiots weíre hiring these days... Ziddar- HEY! (Down on Blendor, the Rebels land) Rilli- Look, two guards... what is that one doing?! Robert- Sick!! Yucky poo poo!! Biker Scout- Ainít ever seen a man take a crap?! (The other Biker Scout takes off on his Speederbike. Robert and Rilli take another Speederbike after him) Robert- Move closer!! Jam their comlinks!! MAN THE TORPEDOES!! Rilli- Quit bossing me around, you Teletubby fanatic. Robert- Hey!! Shhhhh!!! (They get alongside a Biker Scout. Robert throws him off and takes his Speederbike) Robert- Whhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! (Robert crashes into a tree and jumps at the last moment) Robert- Awww... (Rilli fires at a Biker Scout) Biker Scout- HEY!! (Rilli fires again) Biker Scout- STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPP!! (Rilli fires again, killing the Biker Scout) Biker Scout- IíM JUST A TOURRRIIIIIIISSSSSST!!!!!!! (Boom) Robert- Hey!! (A Biker Scout turns around) Robert- HEY!! Biker Scout- HEY!! Robert- HEY!! Biker Scout- HEY!! Rilli- HEY!! Both- HEY!! (Rilli shoots the Bike Scout) Robert- HEY!! Rilli- Honestly, I canít decide whoís stupider, you or Trent. Robert- HEY!! Rilli- Just shut up!! (Rilli flies off) Robert- Ok, time to go back. (A Biker Scout hits Rilli. She falls off her Speederbike. Meanwhile, Robertís back with the Rebels) Robert- Hey guys. Trent- Whereís Rilli? M-3PO- If I may say so, I think she is dead. Trent- Whereíve you been? S2-B2- <I hate you guys. Robert- Ewwwww.... anyway, I think Rilli died. Trent- Why? S2, scan the area. (S2-B2 raises a little periscope) S2-B2- <I donít detect anything except a fag droid, a whiny Jedi and a stupid pirate. Randy- *roar* S2-B2- <Yeah, and a giant furry piece of crap. Ok, maybe Iíll find some more stuff later. Iím gonna go work on my MUD. (Meanwhile, a little furry bastard pokes Rilli with a spear) Wicketog- Yub yub! Rilli- Who are you? Wicketog- Hisa yub yub!! Rilli- Ok... what are you doing here? Wicketog- Ee chu wawa!! Rilli- Uh... ok. Want something to eat? Wicketog- Grunga!! Rilli- Ok here. (Wicketog eats whatever the hell it is that Rilli gave him) Wicketog- Yub yub! Rilli- Ok. Hey, you have a place I could stay? Iím tired. Wicketog- Yub yub! Biker Scout- Freeze! (Wicketog smacks the Biker Scout in the face. The Biker Scout goes flying several miles) Biker Scout- Damn those Ewoks theyíre too powerfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuull!! Wicketog- Yub yub! (Wicketog takes Rilli deeper into the forest. Meanwhile, on the DEATH POKEBALL, Dread Vader enters the Emperorís throne room) Hikage- I told you to stay on the command ship. Dread- A small band of Rebels have penetrated the shield and landed on Blendor. Hikage- Yes, I know. I saw them with my own two eyes. Dread- My son is with them. Hikage- Uh... are you sure? Dread- Yes. I heard his whines from Blendor. Hikage- Strange that I have not... are your feelings on this matter clear? Dread- No, theyíre a little cloudy, but thatís because I had my Vodka Martini haken, not stirred. Hikage- Ok... Go to the surface and Blendor and wait for him. Dread- He will come to me? Hikage- Yes. Remember... Bespin? Dread- Ugh, donít remind me. Iím still not giving him his 20 years worth of presents. (Back on Blendor...) Randy- *ROAR* Trent- Hold it. Robert, found anything? Robert- I found this dead animal here. I named him Spunky! (Suddenly, a net pulls them all into the air and Spunky falls to the forest floor) Robert- SPUUUUUUUUUNKYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! (S2-B2 starts to cut through the net) M-3PO- Uh... stop that. Stop that at once!! Stop or Iíll... Iíll... IíLL READJUST YOUR SPECIAL ATTACHMENT! S2- < NO!! (The net gives way and they fall. Suddenly, a bunch of Ewoks appear) Robert- Hello there. Have you seen Spunky? Randy- *growl* Trent- You sure theyíre not your illegitimate kids, Randy? Randy- *ROAR* Trent- Ok. (M-3PO sits up. The Ewoks begin to worship) M-3PO- Ooh!!! Robert- What is it? M-3PO- They are worshipping me! The fortune cookie was right! S2- <What fortune cookie? M-3PO- The one that says I will be worshipped as a sexual god by a tribe of stuffed animals!! Loderrick- Yub yub! M-3PO- Yub yub chu wawa!! Loderrick- Ooooohh!!! (The Ewoks take their weapons and take them away. Back at the village, Robert, Trent and Randy are placed over fires) Rilli- Hey guys! Wicketog- Yub yub! Robert- M-3PO, tell them to release us. M-3PO- Yub yuba chuba yub yub! Trent- What?! M-3PO- I told them to honey roast you! Robert- WHY?! M-3PO- Because thatís how I like me meat! Yum yum! Loderrick- Yum yum!! M-3PO- WHAT?! NO!! NO!! Robert- What happened?! Loderrick- Yuba! M-3PO- I accidentally told them to release you! Robert- Thanks, Threepio! M-3PO- Oh, go fuck yourselves. Jose L. Solano ------------------------------- The Supreme Sandslash Emperor ------------------------------- Beware the Dark Hamster of the Sith