From: Jose L. Solano (jsolano199@aol.comlink) Subject: [PW!][NC] Return of the Jedi (3/3) Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon Date: 2000-08-17 15:55:26 PST (Later, the Ewoks are gathered around M-3PO, who is busy telling them a story) M-3PO- Yub yub. Chief Enter- Yub yub yub! Rilli- What? M-3PO- Yub yub Mobey-Wan Fenobi! Yub yub DREAD VADER!! Chief Enter- Yub yub yuck yuck. M-3PO- Ee chu S2-D2!! Yub yub Lovemaking! Chief Enter- Ewwww Loderrick- Yub yub? Chief Enter- Yub. M-3PO- We are now a part of the tribe! (Wicketog begins to hump Trent’s leg) Wicketog- Ee chu waaaawaaaaaa Trent- Get off!! Randy- *growl* Trent- I swear this one’s your bastard child!! (Robert goes outside. Rilli follows him) Robert- Rilli... I have something to tell you. Rilli- Make it quick, they’re giving Trent a “gift” and I don’t want to miss it. Trent- (from inside) DAMMIT!! You sick little BASTARDS!! Rilli- Scratch that. What is it? Robert- Rilli... I must face Dread Vader. Rilli- So? Robert- He is my father. Rilli- So? Robert- And you are my sister. Rilli- WHAT?! Robert- Yes, you are my sister!! Rilli- My day was just fine and now THIS! Robert- Uh... well when I come back I’ll train you in the ways of the Force. Rilli- Forget it. Robert- Join me... it is your destiny! Rilli- You really ARE Vader’s son, aren’t you?! Robert- Yes. Now I have to go tell him to give us birthday presents and make him a good guy. Rilli- Ok, good luck I guess. (Robert runs off. Later, at the shield generator...) Commander Shard- Yo, wassup, Dread? (Dread slaps Shard) Shard- Ok... anyway, this Rebel surrendered to us. (Robert looks at Dread) Dread- Leave us, Fields. Go look for more Rebels. Shard- Aww, but I’m your son, too! (Dread chokes Shard) Shard- Ok, ok, fine, fine!! (Shard leaves) Robert- Hi daddy. Dread- So, you’ve accepted the truth. Robert- I’ve accepted the truth that you were once a whiny slave who couldn’t act worth crap. Dread- You have no proof! Robert- I... uh... ok. Let go of the conflict within you! Dread- There is no conflict! (Robert checks a device) Robert- Damn Conflictometer is busted! Dread- The Emperor is your master now. He will show you the true nature of the Force. Robert- Then my father is truly dead. Dread- Wrong again. (Robert checks the DeadDadometer) Robert- Stupid piece of... (Robert is taken away. The next morning...) Wicketog- Yub yub! Mechaploo- Yobo yobo! Rilli- The main entrance is on the other side of that landing platform. Trent- Don’t worry, me and Randy have gotten into places more heavily guarded than this. Rilli- ... Trent- Don’t ask. Mechaploo- Ee chu wawa!! M-3PO- He says he wants you to make hot Ewok love to him. Trent- No he didn’t. M-3PO- Ok, so he didn’t, but he said there’s a secret entrance. (Meanwhile, near Sullustful...) Simon- Oh yeah! Work it baby!! (Oolanko Numb grooves to Funkytown) Admiral Neobar- Hey, will you idiots cut that out?! Simon- Party pooper. Admiral Neobar- Prepare to jump into hyperspace on my mark! Simon- Alright! (Simon flips the switch) Neobar- Dammit Calrissian, I said on MY mark! (Simon goes into hyperspace) Neobar- Oyy... ok, just follow him. (The rest of the fleet takes off as well. Back on Blendor, Mechaploo points to the secret entrance) Trent- Back door? Good idea. M-3PO- I’m glad you think so, sir. Now, just bend- Rilli- Shut up, Threepio. M-3PO- Well, our furry companion has gone and done something rather... brash... (Mechaploo takes a Speederbike. Two Biker Scouts follow him) Rilli- Just one left. Randy- *growl* Trent- Ok then, I’ll play tag with this one! (Trent runs by and tags the Biker Scout) Biker Scout- HEY!! Trent- HEY!! Robert- (in the DEATH POKEBALL) HEY!! Dread- HEY!! (Rilli rolls her eyes. Back with Mechaploo...) Biker Scout- Fire you fools! Mechaploo- Yub yub! (Mechaploo jumps off the Speederbike and gets run over by a Biker Scout) Biker Scout- ARGH!! Ah well, Jim’s in charge of cleaning on Tuesdays. Biker Scout 2- What?! (Back at the bunker, Trent, Rilli, Randy and a few Rebels enter. Meanwhile, in the DEATH POKEBALL...) Emperor Hikage- Welcome, young Skywalker. I have been expecting you. Robert- He’s the doctor, isn’t he?! Dread- No! I swear!! Robert- You told me you were taking me to Chuck E. Cheese’s!! Hikage- I am looking forward to completing your training. In time, you will call me master! Robert- You won’t convert me like you did my father. Hikage- You will find it is you who are mistaken... about a great many things. Dread- His lightsaber Hikage- Yes, like your lightsaber. Only a Jedi can wield such a tiny... Dread- I meant, “Here is his lightsaber.” Hikage- A Jedi’s weapon, much like your fathers. By now you must know he can never be turned from the Dark Side. Robert- No, soon I will be dead, and you with me. Hikage- Hmm? What is this, a kamikaze mission? You’re stupider than I thought. Robert- Perhaps I refer to the- Hikage- Yeah, yeah, your fleet’s coming here, I know, I don’t care. We’re safe here. Robert- Your overconfidence is your weakness. Hikage- And your faith in- Robert- Your friends is yours? Dread- Either your words are boringly predictable your you’re both telepaths. Master, may I be excused to watch TV? Hikage- No. Dread- Damn. Hikage- Your friends on the sanctuary moon are walking into a trap, as is your Rebel fleet. Robert- Is it a mouse trap? Hikage- No, I wish it were so. We ran out of cheddar yesterday, thanks to Commander Shard. Robert-... Hikage- Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your friends. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. Robert- Daaaaaddyyyyy this man is boring me. Dread- Just listen to him. If anything, for the background music. Robert- What music? Dread- You know, that ominous chanting. Robert- What? Hikage- You have your headphones on, Lord Vader. (Back on Blendor, a team of Imperial Soldiers enter) Commander Car’tos- You rebel scum. (Meanwhile, in space, the Rebel fleet exits hyperspace) Simon- There’s the Death Pokeball. Oolanko- *ahem* Simon- What? Oolanko- SAJDKKKkfdksjdksjdksdjskdsdjk DOING! Simon- Alright fine, there’s the DEATH POKEBALL. All wings report in. Seth Antilles- Red Leader, standing by. Procyon- Yellow Leader, standing by. Natasha- Green Leader, standing by. Neobar- Assume attack position! (Nobody does anything) Neobar- You know, it’s hard to boss people around when you’re a six-foot squid. (All ships assume attack position. Suddenly, Oolanko begins to orgasm) Simon- Geez, not HERE!! Oolanko- Amuakjdkjsaksjsksjsk!! (Oh wait, he was just trying to say something. Nevermind) Simon- What?! All craft, pull up! The shield’s still up!! Spawn- No it’s not! Foolish Simon!! Simon- I said pull up! Spawn- Hahahaha!! (Spawn’s ship explodes) Spawn- SPIDER-MAN RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLESSS!! Neobar- You heard the ‘fro man, pull up! (Several ships begin to crash) Simon- Nobody listens to giant squid OR disco studs!! (As they pull back, the Imperial Fleet awaits) Simon- Aw, fuck. Admiral Ziddar- Send out the TIEs!! (Down on Blendor, the Rebels are led outside.) Commander Car’tos- You rebel scum. Rilli- Hey, where are those Ewoks? M-3PO- Shhh!!! (M-3PO and a tired Ewok pop out from a bush) M-3PO- Hello!! (Several Scythtroopers run over to them as a ton of Ewoks pop out.) Scythtrooper- NOOOO!!!! (Wicketog fires an arrow at the Scythtrooper. The Scythtrooper explodes, taking most of the others with him.) Scythtrooper 2- Get help!! GET THEM EWOKS!! Wicketog- Yub yub! (The battle is fierce as the God-like omnipotent Ewoks fire their arrows, spears and catapults at the defenseless Imperial army. Back in space...) Simon- Ok guys, just fly around and make a distraction, we have to give them more time. Neobar- Godammit, Calrissian!! Oolanko- Gaaaahhhrrtuyyy!! Simon- Draw your fire away from the cruisers! (Simon flies towards a medical frigate) Seth- What was that, Gold Leader? Draw fire AWAY from the cruisers? Simon- Shut up! (Meanwhile, S2-B2 gets to the bunker as the Ewoks and Scythtroopers battle) Ewoktasha- GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YUB YUB!! (Ewoktasha dies. The entire forest mourns) S2-B2- <Ok, you guys want me to open the door? Rilli- Yes. S2-B2- < Ok. (S2-B2 extends an arm and turns the knob. As he does this, he is shot.) Rilli- Aw, crap. Trent- Ok, let me try. Cover me. (Trent grabs the knob and attempts to turn it.) Trent- I CAN’T DO IT!! (Meanwhile, Randy and two Ewoks get inside an AT-ST) Commander Car’tos- You rebel scum. Randy- *growl* Commander Car’tos- A COW?!?! WHERE?!?!?! (Car’tos is thrown off the AT-ST) Randy- *growl* Trent- Randy! (Rilli is slightly scraped by a rock thrown by Loderrick. Her arm is severely injured) Rilli- OW!! Trent- You alright? Scythtrooper- Freeze!! (Rilli pulls out a blaster) Trent- I love you. Rilli- So? (Rilli blasts the Scythtrooper. Randy appears in the AT-ST) Randy- *roar* Trent- Hey! Put it back where you found it!! Randy- *roar* Rilli- No, leave it here. I have a plan. Trent-... (Commander Shard is at the bunker. An AT-ST pilot appears) Pilot- The rebels have been routed and they’re fleeing into the woods. We need reinforcements to continue the pursuit. Commander Shard- Send three squads and get that cowfucking bastard back over here! (Three squads exit and quickly find Commander Car’tos. As they do this, the rebels enter. They begin placing detonation charges everywhere. Back at the Emperor’s tower...) Hikage- Come boy, see for yourself. (Robert looks at the battle through the window.) Hikage- Fire at will, Commander! Moff Raven- Fire!! (The DEATH POKEBALL flies at a cruiser and captures it) Moff Raven- We need to get that fixed next time. (Robert looks back at Hikage) Hikage- You want this? Robert- Yes. With extra cheese. (Hikage puts away his cheeseburger and shows Robert his lightsaber) Hikage- Take it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the Dark Side will begin! (Robert takes the lightsaber and runs at Dread) Dread- Wha?! Hikage- Huh? (They fight. Yay.) Robert- I know there is good in you! Dread- You are mistaken. Robert- Godamn GoodInYou detector!! Dread- You are unwise to lower your defenses!! (The fight some more.) Robert- Let go of your hate! Dread- Dammit son, quit fighting it! Just turn over to the Dark Side!! (Robert hides under the stairs) Dread- Robert Maurice Skywalker Jr., you come out this minute!! (Robert is silent) Dread- Roooobert... I have a nice chocolate baaaaarrr.... (Robert remains silent) Dread- Your thoughts dwell on your friends... your feelings for them are strong... especially for... Robert- SISTER!! Dread- So, you have a twin sister, eh? Mobey-Wan was wise to hide her from me. If you will not be turned, than perhaps she will... Robert- NOOOOOOOO!!! (Robert fights aggressively, knocking Dread onto the floor, slicing his hand off) Hikage- Good, good... now, finish him and take his place at my side. Robert- Never. I will never turn to the Dark Side. I am a Jedi, like my father before me. Hikage- So be it... (There is fifteen minutes of silence) Hikage-...Jedi. (Back on Blendor, the shield generator explodes, allowing the rebel ships to fly into the DEATH POKEBALL) Simon- See?! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! Neobar- Shut up. Hey you lazy freaks, get that Super Star Destroyer! (Green Squadron flies towards the Exeggutor) Admiral Ziddar- Were... aw, crap. Our shields are down. Commander Car’tos- We’re screwed. (Suddenly, Natasha flies at the bridge) Ziddar- BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRG!! Natasha- GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Commander Car’tos- MOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (The Exeggutor crashes into the DEATH POKEBALL.) Hikage- If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then you will be destroyed!! (Hikage electrocutes Robert as Dread gets up) Robert- Help me, dad! Hikage- You will pay for your lack of vision! Robert- But I can see an eye doctor!! There’s one just down the AAAAAAAAAAH!!! (Dread begins to think as Simon flies into the DEATH POKEBALL) Seth- Stay alert. You could run out of space real fast. (A low-hanging EXIT sign hits the Y2K Bug’s radar dish) Simon- Trent is going to have my ass for this! (Seth blasts one of the main reactor’s towers. Simon blasts the reactor itself and heads out) Seth- Activate decal applicator. (As Seth exits, his R2 unit applies a bumper sticker that reads “I SURVIVED EVERY BATTLE IN THIS TRILOGY, BITCH!”. Back with Old Man Hikage...) Hikage- And now, young Skywalker... you will die. (Suddenly, Dread picks him up and throws him into a reactor shaft.) Hikage- I WANTED TO BE IN THE SEQUEEEEEL!! Dread- There is nooooone! Hikage- NEVERMIND THEEEEEEEEEN!!! (Hikage explodes. Dread falls into Robert’s arms) Robert- Daddy!! Dread- Son... help me take... this mask off. Robert- But you’ll die. Dread- Better than being with you. (Dread reveals himself to be the lost Hanson brother) Robert- Wha?! Dread- You were right, Robert. You were right about me. Robert- Cool. Dread- Tell your sister... you were right... (Dread Vader dies. Robert quickly takes his corpse to a shuttle and takes off. Simon flies out of the DEATH POKEBALL) Simon- YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAA!! Oolanko- Yeeha. (They fly towards Blendor. Down on the planet, the Ewoks celebrate) Trent- Hey, did Robert get off? Rilli- I hope so. Trent- You love him don’t you?! Rilli- Yes. Trent- YOU CHEATING BITCH!! Rilli- Trent... Trent- NO! GO FUCK AN EWOK FOR ALL I CARE!! Wicketog- Yub yub! Rilli- Trent, Robert’s my brother! Trent- Huh?! WHAT?! You incestial little freaks!! (Later, Robert burns Dread Vader in a hero’s funeral pyre. As he does this, X-Wings fly above the sky, bombarding the forest. Cloud City in the Simon System is also celebrating, as is TGP on Tatooin and the Imperial homeworld of Croissant. Back on Blendor, the rebels celebrate, dance, and feast. Apparently, the Ewoks are the main course. Well, that’s life for you.) Robert- Does this taste funny to you? Rilli- Ew, it’s undercooked. Trent, get your act together! Simon- Anyone want some more Wicketog? Seth- Ooh, me! Bess Mothma- You all disgust me. (The ghosts of Mobey-Wan Fenobi, Yoda and Robert Skywalker Senior appear) Trent- Hey, get your own Ewok feast!! Written and Directed by Jose L. Solano Produced by Jose L. Solano Executive Producer Jose L. Solano Casting by YOUR MOMMA STARRING RobFromVoid Nendil Jose L. Solano as Robert Skywalker as Princess Mithril-Rama as Trent Solo Dreadite Regulus Simon Locke Saber as Dread Vader as Emperor Hikage as Simon Calrissian as S2-B2 and Yoda as Yoda Design Director Jabba Du Hutt Visual Effects Artists NOBODY!!! Animation Director The Guy in the Place Make Up Artist ME!! MEEEE!!! Music Composed and Conduced by John Williams’ evil clone, Joohn Williams and the Shitsville Symphony Set Designer Boba Fatt Assistant to Mr. Solano Nobody >:o Special Effects Models Ed CAST Robert Skywalker RobFromVoid Princess Mithril-Rama Nendil Trent Solo Jose L. Solano Randbacca RandomTask Dread Vader Dreadite M-3PO Marcus Yu S2-B2 Saber Mobey-Wan Fenobi MWF Yoda Yoda Simon Calrissian Simon Locke Admiral Ziddar Ziddar Emperor Hikage Spectre Hikage Moff Raven Raven Admiral Neobar Neo J. Menasor BlackHole Fett Black Hole Bib Pokeman Pokeman (Agent 0007) General Mimic Mimic Red Leader (Seth Antilles) Seth Oolanko Numb Oolanko Mazakala Commander Shard Fields Shard Fields Commander Car’tos Cow Loving Fool Wicketog Foratog5 AFTA Loderrick Dryad Mechaploo MechaGojiraX Chief Enter Enter Your Name Here Doppler the Hutt Doppler Sillycious Putt Silly Putty Oolatasha Natasha Kanji Niktasha Natasha Kanji Ewoktasha Natasha Kanji Natasha (Green Leader) Natasha Kanji Die Already! Natasha Kanji Set Builder Bob Matte Painter Send a Droid Foley Artist Two Cans and a Duck Catering None, we’re starving!! Special Thanks To- George Lucas, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi, Pizza Hut, Sandslash, Nintendo, 20th Century Fox, the Cast, all those who didn’t make it but tried, people who endured having nothing more than a bit role, people who endured having a major role, people who endured having a role at all, the makers of Kit Kat bars, my hamster Carson for not trying to kill me as I wrote this, Hasbro for keeping me with something to do, Regulus and Dreadite for creating the Pokewars, and last but not least, AGNP. No Thanks To- My hamster Carson for being evil, those damn scalpers, AOL for obvious reasons, my family for making the time to complete this project even longer, my stepdad, Acer for making 2nd rate computers, and last and certainly least, the city of San Antonio, Texas for causing me so much misery. Filmed in Microsoft Works If you thought this parody sucked... you’re not alone, so did I. 1999 Jose L. Solano (JSolano199@aol.com) Bonus Piece of Crap: The Emperor's New Clothes (Emperor Palpatine sits on his throne) Palpatine- Lord Vader, I need a new wardrobe. Darth Vader- What for? Palpatine- Do you expect me to pikc up chicks in this? Vader- ... Palpatine- Ok fine, for my birthday parade. Vader- Very well. I will get a tailor in here immediately. (Watto enters the throne room) Watto- Hey there Palp! How's it-a going, Anakin? Vader- You?! Watto- Yeah, I-a sold my shop and now I make only the finest clothes! Palpatine- I'd rather have a non-freak, but I suppose you'll do. (Watto takes measurements) Watto- Ok, I'm-a gonna start right away! Palpatine- Can you make it red? Watto- No, I will use only the finest material! Palpatine- What material? Watto- The one in my hand, of course! Palpatine- What? Watto- Only idiots cannot see this-a fine cloth. Palpatine- Right, right... I was just testing you. Get to work! (Watto exits. The next day, he returns) Watto- Your suit is-a finished! Palpatine- Excellent work. Vader, escort me to the dressing room. Vader- I hate my job. (Palpatine and Vader come back out a few minutes later) Palpatine- It fits perfectly. As payment, I will give you a Imperial credits. Watto- Imperial credits? Imperial credits are no good out here, I need something more real. Palpatine- Imperial credits will do fine. Watto- No, they won't-a. Palpatine- Imperial credits will do fine! Watto- No, they won't-a! What, you think you're some kind of Sith, waving your hand around like that?! I'm a Toydarian! Mind tricks don't work on me, only -AAH!! (Palpatine shocks Watto) Watto- Imperial credits will do fine. (The next day, a parade is held on Coruscant in Palaptine's honor. Everyone is ordered to watch under pain of death. Palpatine wears his new anti-idiot cloth) Palpatine- Ah, my public! Amidala- Ew, you dirty old man! Valorum- Disgusting! Admiral Piett- Looks like two wrinkly little prunes. Palpatine- How dare you! Guards, have them executed!! Watto- Haha! Stupid Sith!! You're naked!! Palpatine- Am not, you're just stupid! Watto- No, I conned you out of-a some Imperial credits! (Watto is arrested and executed) Palpatine- Vader, cover me until I can return to the palace. Vader- Must I? (Vader stands in front of Palpatine, holding his cape out) Vader- Let's go, move along, nothing to see here. And the moral of the story? Don't piss Palpatine off. Oh, what? You want the REAL moral? Stay after the credits for extra torture. Jose L. Solano ------------------------------- The Supreme Sandslash Emperor ------------------------------- Beware the Dark Hamster of the Sith