From: Marco262, I _am_ the WooMaster (marco262@yahoo.commuting.sucks) Subject: [PW!] Family Matters (only without that guy with the glasses) Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon Date: 2001-04-05 17:42:08 PST The sun rises over Pokémon Island. Golden beams stretch themselves under the harsh, thick curtains in front of a window of a recording studio. They give up and move on to share their light somewhere else where they will be appreciated. The flourescent lights scoff at the fruitful efforts of the sun's children to invade their territory, and one of them blows out just to show how commited they are to their job. A huge television screen casts its own light upon a group of men who keep one eye on the screen and one on a 24-year-old Jason Bard in a sound proof booth wearing headphones and facing a large microphone. Operetta music starts and Jason takes a breath. On the screen appears a cartoon that shows a quaint suburbian house with a piece from the "Barber of Seville" emanating from inside. The camera zooms through one of the windows to reveal that a small, yellow Pidgey with large eyes is the one doing all the singing. Small is emphasized, being that he is singing in bass. In the sound proof booth, Jason sings the voice of the Pidgey as a black and white Meowth with a combed mustache creeps up to the cage. "Hello there." Jason also creates the cat's voice, which is low and oily. The bird gulps weakly. "Eep," he peeps in a tiny, high voice. "I was just wondering if you would like to join me for dinner?" "Oh no, Mr. Meowth. I want to stay away from you. You'll swallow me whole!" "Oh ho, don't be silly!" the meowth says, grabbing the pidgey out of the cage in one lightning fast movement, "That would give me indigestion! I'd have to chew you up a little first." "Oh horror!" the bird laments, "I am doomed to a dastardly fate. Oh woe, oh woe!" The bird continues like this as the cat puts on a chef's hat and proceeds to toss him around in a frying pan. One man looks at Jason, still doing the voices, frowns and looks back up at the screen. "Oh, do pipe down," the cat complains while the bird takes a breath, "Here. Have a cigarette." The cat shoves a cigerette into the bird's mouth and lights it for him. On screen the bird leans back and puffs slowly on the cigarette while the cat goes into a long monologue. "Oh! It is terrible! How can I stand having such a horrible thing in my beak?" Jason coughs, then goes back to the bird's voice, "I cannot abide this! My lungs, my poor little birdy lungs! I feel I am dying from the cancer! Agony! Oh, agoneeeeee..." "Just what in Jehovah's name do you think your doing?" The director stands up out of his seat, knocking it over. He swipes his arm across the table where his producers and chief animators are sitting, knocking over cups and scattering paper. "What do you mean?" Jason asked, taking off his headphones. "What you just made Chirpy say!" the director screamed. "Oh, well I just thought that a character in a children's cartoon might need to be a bit of a role model." "You have to follow the script!" At this point, he picks up a paper off the ground. "The script says: Whiskers shoves a cigerette into Chirpy's mouth and lights it for him. Chirpy leans back and puffs slowly on the cigarette." He looks up. "You can't put words in Chirpy's mouth when his lips aren't moving!" "He doesn't have lips. He just has a beak." A vein pops out of the director's forehead. "Yeah, well now he won't have a singing voice, cause you're fired!" Jason stands aghast while two security guards drag him by the arms out of the booth and out the door. "You can't do this to me!" he yells, "I've got connections! You'll hear from my lawyer! I want to call my agent..." * * * "I can't bear to see you leave, Harry! It would be just too painful!" An excessively goodlooking Ursaring cups his hand on the cheek of an anorexic Jigglypuff. "I know Phyllis, but this is something I have to do. If I don't collect the money for Little Timmy's heart implant from the drug dealers and then do the operation myself to save enough money for medication, you're sister/transvestite adulterist lover will probably kill herself. Just forget me. The United States is more important than any stupid boyfriend." Harry puts on a lab coat, locks a gun in his holster, and walks out the door. Phyllis watches him leave with tears in her eyes, and the screen fades to black. DJ the Chansey sniffles softly and turns his face down to the massive amounts of ironing he has to do before the rest of the group comes home to their tiny two room apartment. However good his soaps are, chores are first priority. He just finishs the ironing and is about to wake up Gigawatt to do the vacuuming, when the phone rings. DJ waddles over and picks it up. <Hello?> "Hey DJ, it's me Jason." <Hi Jason. Where are you? I thought you were supposed to be recording a show right now.> Jason leans up against the wall of the phone booth. He stares absent-mindedly out into the traffic racing by him. "Yeah well, um, the plans changed." <How so?> "Well, the director and me had a little disagreement and he kind of fired me." <WHAT?!> Jason has to hold the phone away from his ear lest he go deaf. "It's no big deal though," he adds quickly, "I can get another job. I mean, if the other guys can do it, what's stopping me?" <You're lazy, absent-minded, and completely lacking in any skills not needed in performing.> "Well, yeah, but that's only a small obstacle right?" DJ sighs. <I don't mean to sound like a nag, Jason, but money's tight. Even that small batch of copyright lawyers were able to clean us out completely and put us deep in debt.> "Yeah yeah, you don't have to spell it out for me." Jason runs a hand through his hair. "I'm gonna go have a few drinks til it's time to come home, okay?" DJ sighs, as he seems to be doing a lot more frequently lately. <Alright, dinner will probably be ready when you get home.> "Great. Oh, by the way, have you heard from the guys today?" <Wolfgang called complaining as usual about his pitiful, meaningless existence.> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- Wolfgang the Machamp is dressed in loud baggy pants, held up by ridiculous suspenders. White makeup covers his face, and attached to his nose is a red ball. Dozens of balloons of different colors are hanging out of his back pocket. At the moment, he's in intense concentration on something in his two pairs of hands and a small boy in watching him with wide eyes. The carnival they're at bustles around them. With a broad smile, Wolfgang holds up his masterpiece and hands it to the boy. It vaguely resembles a human head. <There you are, you young nipper. Beethoven, the best blooming composer that every did tickle the ivories.> The boy pops the balloon sculpture and throws it down. "This sucks! I wanted a doggie!" He kicks Wolfgang in the shins and runs off before the Machamp can recover and pound the kid into the ground with a Seismic Toss. <Why you bloody brother of a...> "Hey you, you terrible pokémon." Woflgang turns around and is faced by an angry mother holding the hand of crying child. "How dare you scare my daughter! Wearing that horrible disguise, just to frighten little children! You should be ashamed of yourself!" <But madam I...> Wolfgang's plea is silenced by a purse across the face. "Take that! And that! And some of this! And..." -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- "Yeah I expected that much." Jason says. "No news from the other guys?" <Nothing except that Miami left one of his cleavers at home again.> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- "Two dozen orders of sushi with riceballs!" <I'm so on it!> Miami whirls the razor sharp knives in his hands and, in less than two seconds, what used to be a whole fish is now two dozen raw fish strips. He passes them on to another cook who wraps them around the rice and sends them to the waiter. The main chef places his relatively large hand on Miami's shoulder. "Good work boy!" he says, beaming at Miami, "I've never seen anyone work the choppers like you!" <Like, just doing my duty, chief-boss-sir!> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- "How about Rivet and Ella?" <Rivet will be home early, of course...> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- Rivet lounges behind the counter of the downtown comic store where he works as a clerk. A headband covers his head and sunglasses do the same for his eyes. He had to give up his helicopter pilot's helmet as it was against dress code. At that moment, one of his favorite customers arrives. <Heya Billy, what's shaking?> "Hi Rivet," replies the 9 year old boy. "I just got this comic book in a hard trade and I want to know if it was worth it." Rivet takes the thin book in his claws. Turning it over and over, he scrutinizes it from every angle possible. He even sniffs it a couple of times. Finally he looks at the boy. <What did you trade for it.> "A number 2 copy of Action Machop, Issue #346." <This is an _authentic_ first copy Pokéavengers, Issue #12 1/2. Informally called 'The lost origin of Jumpound'. Very rare.> "Meaning...?" Rivet's snout broke in a wide grin. <You really screwed that guy over.> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- <...and Ella won't be home until tomorrow afternoon, you know, fashion show.> -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- Bright spot lights shine on Ella, being fitted with a ridiculous looking dress that's shaped vaguely like a pokéball. Sequins and feathers spread out from it in random directions. Her normally braided hair is up in a loose bun that makes the dyed part of her hair form a concentric circle. A woman is dressing her, making sure every seam is perfect. "Oh dear, Ella," she says, looking up, "You will look stunning in the fashion show tonight." <Like, you've said that dozens of times already, Margarite.> "But I can't help saying it again. You are possibly the best model we've ever had. And being the pokémon that single-handedly carried the famous rock band to stardom! You are doing the clothes designers such a favor." Ella gulps slightly and brushes away the compliment. <It's totally no problem, I just hope I can get my hair back to the awesome way that I loved it before.> "Anything for a star like you honey." Ella smiles guiltily. -----------------------------scene switch---------------------------------- "Alright, that's cool," Jason says, "Hey, I'm gonna head over to the bar now, okay? It's almost happy hour." <Okay Jason, see you at dinner.> DJ puts down the phone and sighs at the thought of making dinner. <It's all for the team,> he reminds himself, <It's all for the team.> * * * Later that night, DJ carries a tray of egg salad to the famished Wolfgang, Miami, and Rivet. The dining room table is actually a card tabe set up in a relatively out of the way corner of the kitchen. The only other room in the house is the living room, which at night serves as Jason's bedroom. Luckily, 6 of the 5 residents are pokémon, so sleeping space is no problem. Wolfgang takes a spoonful from the bowl and eats slowly, chewing thirty times and making sure he keeps his other three hands in his lap. Meanwhile, Miami and Rivet are trying to get as much food into the others mouth by launching it from their spoons. DJ shakes his head, dreading having to clean the mess up later. During a pause between Rivet and Miami's food acrobatics, DJ hears Jason's voice right outside the door. <Guys quiet! Jason's outside and it sounds like he's got a lady with him.> The other three freeze and listen to the voices coming through the door. "Thanks for inviting me over, honey. I hope I'm not imposing." "Not at all babe. I'm glad to have you sleep over." Loud wet kissing sounds are heard and the four pokémon try to stifle their gag reflex. "Just let me make sure the house is safe first okay? I don't want to find you're friends stealing my stuff." "What? But why would I be friends with anybody who would steal stuff, Jason?" "Because you've already stolen y heart." "Oh Jasee-poo!" Wet kissing sounds are heard again. Then Jason speaks up. "I'll be right back, don't go anywhere." The door opens and Jason steps just inside. He spots the four and gestures quickly towards the table where all the pokéballs were laid out. "Blonde, DD. Code Red," he hisses urgently, "Get in your balls." He dodges back out side and Wolfgang, Miami, and Rivet jump toward their balls and moments later are sucked in. DJ is slower than the rest, and has to clear off the dishes into the sink, so he's almost to his pokéball when Jason leads his lady-friend in. She is a bombshell, is DJ's first thought. A cord top that looks more like a bikini top than a shirt barely contains her buxom body, and her hips are much too big for her denim cutoffs. Her makeup labels her obviously as the "fun-loving" type. Jason glares at DJ and seems about to apologize to the girl when she pipes up. "Oh my gawd, what an adorable Chansey! Is she yours?" Jason is thrown off-guard by this. "Uh yeah. _She_ cleans house for me." "She is so CUTE!" The girl exclaims excitedly, jumping up and down slightly in a way that is not too unpleasant to see. She scratches behind DJ's head, where beknownst only to Chansey trainers, is a place that no Chansey wants to be touched. Jason's eyes widen and gives DJ a death stare. So, DJ puts on a happy smile and squeaks excitedly. <You're a fucking whore!> Jason twitches. Fortunately for both of them, the girl can't understand Chansey speak, so all she hears is a happy "Chansey!" "Oh how cute! I think she likes me Jason!" She wraps her arms around Jason, and he calms down considerably. "Yeah, I guess she does." Jason gives DJ a thumbs-up. DJ nods at him and presses the button on his pokéball, sucking himself into the red and white sphere, away from the two young lovers. The girl leads Jason to the made bed in the living room. "Come on, let's have some fun." Jason grins. * * * The sun rises and strikes Jason square in the eyes through an open window, waking him up harshly in an empty bed. Squinting slightly, he sees a figure step into his view. <How'd you sleep?> asks DJ. "Terrible. I got a hangover like Thor's hammer." Jason tries to sit up but gives up and drops to his previous position, with his head just hanging over the edge of the bed. "Where's the broad?" <She left early. Took the rest of last night's dinner as well.> Jason groans and puts his hands over his face. After a moment, he peers through his fingers at his sound technician and personal confidant. "My life is screwed up, isn't it?" DJ nods solemnly. "Yup." TBC... (NS: Whoever can guess where I got the first scene in the story, wins 11 MDF points.)