From: John Willemin (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: [PW!] Mallrattatas
Date: 2001-02-26 14:00:18 PST
(OOC: A pox! A pox on all the imbeciles at Google who bought out Deja
and are proceeding to run it into the ground!)
Kyle and Jessica, along with free-roaming Pokémon Atropos, Espio,
and Thanatos, entered the Seafoam Islands Pokécenter, which was
currently little more than a tent. (Seafoam had had no need for a
Pokécenter before the recent evacuation of Cinnabar Island.) Kyle had
Cathode's Pokéball in his hand; Jessica had Ermac's in hers. Together
they headed for the brand-new Trade Machine that stood just next to
Nurse Joy's makeshift desk.
"I noticed you put Cathode in his Pokéball for once," Jessica
pointed out as she reached the machine and put Ermac's Pokéball in the
left pit. "He's finally mature enough?"
Kyle was reminded of the female Pikachu that Cathode had so quickly
impregnated. "Or immature," Kyle responded. "Take your pick." He
placed Cathode's Pokéball in the right pit.
Espio, who was gleefully carrying the spotted egg that Kerrigan the
Nidoqueen had yielded, glanced at the Trade Machine's monitor for
instructions. "'To start, press any key,'" he read. "Where's the 'any'
Kyle pressed one of the red buttons beneath the monitor, and the
machine came alive. The Pokéballs were quickly sucked up into the
machine by a pair of tubes. The monitor went wild with data and
displayed C.G.I. renderings of the two Pokémon being exchanged. Within
thirty seconds, the tubes spat the Pokéballs out on opposite sides, and
the machine went silent.
Ermac's Pokéball was hopping about like a Mexican jumping bean.
Jessica quickly picked up and opened the spheroid. A glowing Porygon
materialized low in the air before her. "Here we go..."
Ermac's evolution was surprisingly uneventful. Its body went from
crystalline and pointy to curvy and smooth. The Porygon actually lost a
bit of mass in the process. "Porygon?" the upgraded creature meekly
chirped. His voice now had a level of emotion surprising for an entity
of programming code.
"This is the upgraded Porygon?" Espio remarked. "Hah, it looks
more like a pool toy!"
"Porygon..." Ermac sniffed. He shed pixelated tears and floated
into Jessica's arms.
Jessica gently stroked the computerized Pokémon's head. "That
wasn't nice," Jessica scolded the Charizard. "He's got feelings too,
"Artificial ones," Espio snorted.
Jessica irritably turned away. She held Ermac up in front of
Kyle. "Here, pet him!" she commanded. "He's soft and squishy, like
"But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, Jessica?"
Espio commented while Kyle somewhat hesitantly stroked the elastic
Porygon2. Jessica shot the Charizard a vicious scowl.
That done, Kyle and Jessica retrieved their Pokéballs and headed
over to Nurse Joy's desk.
"May I help you?" Nurse Joy asked cheerily.
Jessica took a Pokéball off of her belt. "We were wondering if you
could identify this Pokémon." The Pokéball was opened, and out came
Lotus, the mysterious but thankfully not hostile Pokémon with the leaf
poking out of her head.
"Chika!" Lotus exclaimed.
"Oh, my," said Nurse Joy. "A visitor from Johto. The first one
I've seen here."
"This...this is a Johto Pokémon?" Jessica said in evident
"Its name is Chikorita," Nurse Joy explained. "It's one of the
Pokémon that Johto's Professor Elm hands out to new Pokémon trainers."
She scratched the Chikorita's chin. "I'd be happy to update your
Pokédex with the Johto species..."
"Please do," Jessica requested. She turned her Pokédex over to
Joy, and Joy slid the red device into a slot on the side of a rather
nondescript, box-shaped machine. The machine emitted standard
hard-drive whirring for a few minutes, then a standard microwave
*DING!* The machine ejected the Pokédex, and the Pokédex was swiftly
returned to its owner.
"Have a nice day!" called Joy as the trainers and their Pokémon
turned and headed for the exit.
"All right, where did we agree we were going next?" Kyle queried
as the team stepped outside.
Jessica tugged at her replica plug suit, the only clothing she
Kyle smacked his forehead. "Oh, right, the Gap." Kyle and Jessica
boarded Espio and took off with Atropos and Thanatos flying close
A short flight later, Kyle, Jessica, and their other free-roaming
Pokémon were standing before the main entrance to the Seafoam Island
"I think I'll stay out here," Kyle meekly piped up.
"Nonsense!" cried Jessica. "I value your opinion." She took Kyle
by the arm and dragged him toward the entrance. The Pokémon had no idea
if they were allowed in the mall, but they followed their trainers in
Right away they stared at the mall directory just beyond the main
entrance. Jessica pointed to a small spot on the map. "The Gap's on
the second floor."
"Have fun. Thanatos and I are going to the food court," Espio
Jessica cut in, "Hold on, let me give you..." She turned, and
Espio and Thanatos were already gone. "...some money..."
Kyle, Jessica, and Atropos rode escalators to the second floor
while Espio and Thanatos flew straight up to the third.
Mallgoers ran screaming from the scene as the white Charizard and
the black Gengar soared into the food court and landed next to
McDonald's. "Hey!" the McDonald's manager bellowed. "You! Pokémon!"
He pointed across the food court. "Burger King's over *there*!"
"No, no, this is what we want," Espio reassured him. He leaned on
the counter. "The number three, if you please. Twelve of them.
Large. With Coke. No ice." He paused while the cashier frantically
rang up sixteen large Quarter Pounder Value Meals. "Thanatos, do *you*
"Gar," Thanatos responded, shaking his head (a.k.a. his whole
When the price came up on the cash register screen, Espio reached
into his tail-flame and pulled a glowing metal cylinder off of the tip
of his tail. He shook the cylinder, and out came a wad of slightly
singed cash. The cashier took the money and gave Espio his change.
Fifteen minutes passed as the McDonald's staff struggled to fill
the gargantuan order. Espio mused about his affinity for Pepsi and his
chagrin at McDonald's deal with Coke.
Five more minutes passed. Twelve Cokes and twelve large orders of
fries were brought to the counter. The McDonald's workers formed a
huddle and tried to decide who would be the unlucky one to tell the
Charizard that there were not enough Quarter Pounders to complete the
order. Espio pounded one fist on the counter and growled, "Is this what
passes for 'fast' food nowadays?!" The group of workers jumped back a
"We need more meat and fast!" the manager stammered.
"Where are we gonna get it?" said a cashier. "You expect us to
borrow from Burger King?"
And suddenly, as if cued to do so, something small and yellow
crawled out of a chewed-up cardboard box in the back of the restaurant.
"Pika chu," said the creature as it groomed itself.
The right corner of the manager's mouth twitched oddly.
Thirty minutes later, the order was complete. Espio wondered how
he was going to carry the large order around. He looked up at the
Gengar. "Thanatos, you got anything in that personal dimension of yours
to carry this?"
"Gen gar." Thanatos reached over his shoulder. From the depths of
the netherworld, Thanatos called forth his guitar, a spare tire, a lava
lamp, and a kitchen sink before finally finding a large bucket. Espio
dumped all of his fries into the bucket, then carefully unwrapped all of
the burgers and put them in the bucket next. With his psychic power,
Thanatos picked up the twelve sodas. Espio and Thanatos then walked
away from McDonald's. The workers heaved a collective sigh of relief.
The two Pokémon had no sooner left the food court than Kyle,
Jessica, and Atropos came ascending the escalator to meet them. Jessica
was still wearing her plug suit, but she was carrying two large bags,
one from the Gap and one from Foot Locker. Kyle's face was bruised,
evidently from repeated slappings. Espio offered the two humans some
fries, but they politely refused.
Something glinted on Jessica's right ring finger. Espio pointed in
its general direction. "Is that -?"
Jessica held up her hand so that Espio could see the extravagant
engagement ring she was now wearing. "Kyle bought me this at Bailey,
Banks, and Biddle," she noted.
"Better late than never," Espio remarked.
Kyle said nothing. It was technically Jessica's money that had
bought it, since she had paid off the debts that had been run up with
Kyle's credit card by Shard Fields.
Together the trainers and the three Pokémon descended two
escalators and returned to the entrance from whence they came. On the
way out of the mall, Espio bit into one of the burgers. He winced and
cried, "This burger just shocked me!"
(OOC: OK, I'm a-windin' down now...)
K * A * R * N * I * V * A * X
"Kicking a kitten...a grown man punting a kitten
who was looking the other way...it was the bravest
thing I've ever seen." --Torg, Sluggy Freelance