Subject: [PW!] The 'Ran Who Came to Dinner Date: 24 Nov 2001 00:02:36 -0800 From: bandraptor@yahoo.com (Bandraptor) Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon Blizzard, a snowy white Persian with a Tentacool on her head, is standing in the middle of the Goldenrod Game Corner Prize Redemption Center (tm). Surrounding her are multiple mockups of desirable Pokémon, fiberglass representations of monsters that can be purchased, for the right number of coins. Blizzard examines each of the various models, eventually coming to a stop in front of a shiny red Scizor. She stares at it hungrily, thinking of the Scizor she didn't get to eat back when she lived in Saffron, and plaintively whispers, "Shan..." Sting the Tentacool shifts his eyes back and forth, impatiently watching the salesmen who are busily ignoring them. After a few minutes of going unnoticed, he gurgles in his almost untranslatable native tongue, "Tenta! <What the> cool <do you have to do to get some> tent<ing service in this> tenta cool <hole?>" "Persian." Blizzard raps her tail lightly against the ground, slightly ired by Sting's crude manner of speaking, "<All right. All right. If you wish to gain a clerk's attention, just quiet down, and pretend to be looking at something...>" They both fix their gazes on a water fountain in the corner. "Can I help you?" A rather nondescript salesman, about whom nothing stands out (except for his total lack of distinguishing features), approaches the pair with a phony smile stretched across his thin lips. "Purr," Blizzard forces a smile back, "<Indeed. I would like to make a transaction. I wish to purchase an inexpensive Pokémon, perhaps a Sentret or a Corsolla. Maybe a Tauros.>" The salesman, who apparently can't understand Persian, responds, "Let me show you the new Feraligatrs--they start at a low 14,000,000 coins!" He pushes the pair into the main showroom, even as Blizzard says, "<Perhaps you have misunderstood. I am not ready to commit myself to any one Pokémon. I have not decided exactly which monster I would like to buy, so what I want is-->" "An Unown!" The salesman exclaims, "An Unown would be perfect for you!" Before Blizzard can say anything more, he races over to a computer, and pulls up an inventory sheet, "Here are the types of Unowns that we have in stock, and the quantity of each." He rattles them off, "Q-45, S-10, F-150, Z-3, C-70, E, S-300, G-20, I-30, M, X-5, R, A, V-4, T-100--" "Persian, <We get the point. And no thank you.>" The salesman strokes his chin, trying to think of something else to sell her. "Hey, do you have any aversion to imports?" He queries, "I just got this Hellguar in from overseas! It's a little like the domestic Houndoom, but better...'cause...it's an import!" He directs the pair to a tiny cage, with what appears to be a horned jackal lying sullenly on its floor. Sting peeks in between the bars, "Tent cool <pal. How's life?>" The caged Pokémon responds with the obvious answer, "Hell." Blizzard swishes her tail a couple of times, not sure she can bring herself to eat anything that's so physiologically similar to her own breed, without feeling at least a little awkward, "<I believe we are moving in the wrong direction.>" "Oh, I've got just the thing for you!" The salesman's not the least bit discouraged, "What you need is a Spore/Utility Pokémon!" "Persian?" Blizzard blinks with much confusion. "Sure! A Parasect would be perfect for you. It can Spore, it can Cut, it can carry you on the top of its mushroom, and there's plenty of room in back, you know, for the kittens..." "PERSIAN!?!" Blizzard hisses. She self-consciously sucks in her gut, and at the same time extends her claws, "<Exactly what are you-->" "COOL!" Sting interrupts, warning her to chill out. The salesman sweatdrops, "Okay...'no' on the Parasect." He gestures to a rounded yellow Pokémon, "How about one of the new Beedrills?" Blizzard is in the process of slicking her bristled fur back down, "<Too retro.>" "A Blissey?" "<Too many frills.>" "A Geo--" "Shan." Blizzard folds her ears back, beginning to lose patience, "<All that I would like is a low-maintenance Pokémon; something with decent deter values, perhaps three hundred hit points, and................Ooh.>" Blizzard's eyes fall upon a huge form that's idling at the far end of the showroom, "<...What is that monstrosity?>" The salesman smirks when he sees that Blizzard has found something that strikes her fancy, "That's an Avalanche. Actually, it's a Tyranitar, but we've nicknamed it AVALANCHE, on account of that's what it causes whenever it moves." He walks over to the behemoth and gives it a kick, causing it to Roar to life like, well, like a Tyranitar that's just been kicked. The salesman continues, "Tyranitar is an extremely desirable Pokémon, because it's a Ground-type that converts into a Dark-type, and it can run on two kinds of energy. It's got one of the highest Attack ratings in its class, and its defensive stats are unsurpassed. It's like a Rock! Plus, it comes equipped with a Flamethrower..." The Tyranitar exhales a puff of smoke as proof. Blizzard looks up at Sting, and purrs, "Perrrrsian, <It looks like a giant turkey.>" A quick trace of her lips with her tongue indicates that this is a good thing. "Cool." Sting responds, rather ambiguously. "Well then, it's settled!" The salesman wrings his hands giddily, "Perhaps now would be a good time to discuss payment. What's your monthly income?" "Shan," Blizzard tilts her head in thought, "<A single Payday yields approximately 150...multiplied by twenty power points...less Poké Security...>" "<...It's whatever we find on the ground.>" Sting states bluntly. "Hmm, so, say, 2,500 a month. I think we can swing that." The salesman pulls out a Porygon, and uses it to run some figures, "To get your payments down to 2,500 a month, I'll just need a 3,710,000 coin down payment!" Blizzard and Sting exchange looks, "...Persian, <I have four-fifty.>" The salesman responds earnestly, "Do you think you can get another 3,709,000 by next week?" "Tenta," Sting notices Blizzard's expectant glance, and preemptively snaps, "<Don't expect> Tentacool <to> cool <you the dough. I'm not some> cool tent <sugar daddy, and anyways, I'm> tent<ing broke.>" "Maybe you should consider leasing..." the salesman offers. "It's cheaper than buying. It's a great deal, and there are only a few minor limitations. For example, you can only raise your Pokémon one level per month, and if you use TMs to overwrite any of the existing moves, you'll have to find some way to restore the original ones, before the end of the lease. That reminds me, what exactly do you plan on using this Pokémon for?" "<Oh, er, nothing unusual.>" Blizzard smacks her chops a couple of times, while she tries to come up with an innocuous response, "<Any or all of the normal things that normal Pokémon are normally used for.>" "Well, you can do whatever you want with it," the salesman replies, not really caring, "but if you're going to breed it, you'll need to get a special license. Now, let me tell you a little about our lease plan. See, we use what's called a 'Jigglypuff Payment.' It's really great! The first month, you only have to put 2 coins towards your Pokémon's final purchase price!" "Shan, <Did you say 'Jigglypuff'?>" Blizzard beams, because she thinks the salesman's offering her a precious, pink, purin Pokémon as an incentive to close the deal. She calmly states, "<I shall have to agree to your terms.>" "Perfect!" Seeing an opportunity, the salesman quickly writes up a contract for 500,000 coins over invoice, "I'll just need to have you sign here, here, and here." He offers Blizzard a pen, which she cluelessly accepts in her jaws. After a moment of wondering what to do with it, she bites it in half, causing the ink to drain out all over the floor, then dips a paw in the puddle, and affixes her prints to the documents. "Congratulations!" The salesman chirps, "You now own a Tyranitar!" He turns to the Tyranitar, who is once again dozing, and continues in a much harsher tone, "Avalanche! Get your butt over here, and greet your new master." The Tyranitar crankily raises itself to its full height of six and a half feet, a great deal higher than Blizzard's four feet, or Sting's two tentacles. It faces the Pokémon pair with a menacing grimace, sizes them up, and deciding that it is not at all happy with its new owners, it makes a suggestion that is full of meaningful intent, if not proper grammar: "Ran." Will Avalanche trample Blizzard? Will Blizzard eat Avalanche? And what effect will that have on her warrantee? The answers to these questions and more, next time on Pokéwars! --Beth