Subject: [PW!] Ashura the Candy-Sandslash Date: 27 May 2002 03:44:38 GMT From: jsolano199@aol.comlink (Jose L. Solano) Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon Hmmm? What? Oh, fuck. It's been a while... this entirely slipped my mind. I didn't mean to wait this long. Ashura is NOT dead, people, just momentarily forgotten! What's going to happen if Three stumbles upon a set of walking numbers? Sure, Two, Eight and Ninety-Four will stand out, but how can we tell which Three is Three? Three will be beaten severely by Three for taking the name Three, and who will you be rooting for? Likewise, what if someone skims past just so they can say they read it (you know who you are) and read a sentence that says "Three stumbled upon three doors... one marked One, another marked Two and a third marked Three. Three went through door Three and met his fate." They'll think that Three has been turned into a door and that he's walked into himself and died! From this moment onward, VSU-0003 will simply be called 3. Or better yet, in narrative he will be referred to as Ashura, and characters will refer to him as "3." HEY! Are you paying attention?! Pokewars- VSU-0003 Ashura "How Sweet it Is" Jose L. Solano Kurt and Warren waited... hmm. It's been a while. The audience needs a reminder. Kurt, the Abra, and Warren, the Skarmory, were recently assisting VSU-0003 in kidnapping a baby. However, some... minor interference resulted in VSU-0003's disappearance. Kurt and Warren waited near the banks of an underground river. They had noticed some metal floating through the river, and expected their leader to wash up at any moment. "Are you sure he's still alive?" Warren asked. "You better not be wasting my time." "He'll be here. See? Here he comes now." Ashura crawled out of the river using what he had left for arms. He was exhausted and immediately started to cough up some water through his air intakes. "How's it going?" Warren asked. "...The water fucked me over, but the second I'm in working order, I'm going to melt your wings." "Hey, chill, 3. We know you can take care of yourself." "Kurt, look at me! Take a good fucking look at me!" Ashura stood up on his hind legs, one of which was missing its cover, exposing the gears and motors inside. His left arm was likewise exposed, while his right arm and leg bore large dents and scratches. His face cover was broken open, with part of the CD player he had installed hanging by a few wires. He was bleeding in several places. "So we'll fix you up. No big whoop." "Sometimes, during refresh cycles, I pretend you're not useless." Ashura extended one of his metal tendrils and pulled part of his leg covering out of the water. He placed it in its spot and began to weld it in place. "First, we need to get someone to fix me up, and then I'll have to figure out another way to get rich." "We're not going after the kid again?" "No." "Why not? We can just take the girl out and swipe the kid. Easy money." "No, you idiot, it's more complicated than that. While I was floating downriver like a corpse, no thanks to you, I took another look at my files. We had the wrong kid." "We?" Warren asked. "I remember a certain Sandslash yelling at us when we asked if he was sure about the mission!" "Shut up, you can opener. Let me worry about the plan. I need you two to get me to a mechanic or something." ------------------------------------ Ashura, Kurt and Warren sat in a small garage outside of Vermilion. It was once a mechanic's shop, but he simply left for no reason. Ashura was using the left-behind tools to repair himself, while Kurt assisted. Warren was too busy watching TV to help. SNAP. "Kurt... what was this?" "Er... nothing, 3, nothing at all!" "I heard a snap. What did you do?" Kurt quickly took something out of the toolbox and installed it on Ashura's right arm. "Uh... okay, fixed it! It's all done!" Ashura lifted his right arm and moved it around a bit to make sure it was working properly. Satisfied, he activated the welder on it to begin on his torso. But there was no welder. "Kurt, care to explain why I have a lollipop sticking out of my hand?" Ashura's right hand was now armed with a highly lethal lollipop. Suddenly, a hologram appeared on his left arm. "Hello... Ashura," said a man in a suit. This, of course, was Mr. Lynch, the looney who turned Ashura into a machine. "If this recording has been activated, then I have no doubt met my fate at the hands of a rabid Igglybuff as the fortune teller said. I've decided to remotely activate your Candyman program. This first one was an exception, but from now on, anytime someone mentions a slogan once used by a candy company, that candy will appear. You're probably asking why?" "Yes, wh-" "Hahaha, you moron! This is a recording, remember? Actually, this was installed as a prototype for a gun program operating on the same principals. Unfortunately, guns are not advertised on television with witty slogans yet, so this basically went nowhere. Have fun and taste the rainbow!" As the hologram disappeared, Ashura's right arm began to shoot Skittles. "Hold on, let me try!" Warren said. "It's all in the mix!" Nothing happened. "No, this is kind of outdated," Kurt said. "Watch: big on chocolate, not on fat!" A Three Musketeers bar flew at Kurt. He was knocked over, but stood back up and began to eat. "Not bad." "Okay, okay, how about... not going anywhere for a while?" A Snickers bar flew past Warren's head. "Stop using me like a fucking vending machine!" Ashura yelled. Suddenly, he had an idea. -------------------------------------------- Ashura sat inside a large, cardboard box with a slot in it. A dollar slid through the slot, and someone outside said 'two for me, none for you.' Ashura shot a Twix bar through the slot and heard an 'ow.' The box sat on a street corner in Celadon. Kurt held up a sign that read "Why Go to the Top of the Department Store and pay $2 for Candy When You Can Get it Here for $1?" A line stretched around the block. It wasn't the price that fetched customers, it was the joy of having a candy bar shot at them at eighty miles an hour. "Hey, Three, you think we'll run out of candy anytime soon?" "I hope not. We're going on three-hundred bucks already." Ashura took a five-dollar bill and shot out a Crunch, two Snickers and two Mounds. Another bill slipped in. "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand." Ashura pointed his arm at the slot, but nothing happened. He shook his arm, and a few Skittles rattled out. "Try. Another. Selection," Ashura said in a mock-robotic voice. "Hungry? Why wait." Nothing happened. "Uh... Try. Another. Selection." "Fuck, they outta Snickers? Hey! They outta Snickers!" Ashura's heart sank into his stomach when he heard the people outside shouting in anger. Suddenly, the box was turned on its side, and then rolled upside down. A hand flew through the slot and reach for him, and then another. A knife popped through the top of the box and cut a large hole, and then the maniac holding it shoved his face through and screamed. Ashura kicked the man in the face and crawled through the hole and away from the crowd. "Oh no! It's a mechanical Sandslash!" "Who would replace our Pokémon with robots?!" "It's the government's fault! LET'S GET THEM!" Without thinking about it, the mob ran from the box towards an arbitrary point, and disappeared past the horizon. Ashura stood up as Kurt and Warren approached him. "So you ran out of candy," Warren said. "Yeah, but I got three-hundred bucks." "Let's all celebrate by going to a nice restaurant," Kurt suggested. "Fuck you. This money's mine. C'mon, let's find some other way to con these people." To be Continued... Jose L. Solano ------------------------------- 100% of all people who read my posts die ------------------------------- In Memory of Carson, Dark Hamster of the Sith (1999-2001)