Subject: [PW!] Don't Have a Cow! Date: Wed, 08 May 2002 08:01:02 GMT From: Rob <robfrompw@yahoo.com> Organization: AT&T Worldnet Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon "My name's Robert. I'm the Diversity Gym Leader and I'm here to challenge YOU! I've trained for a month now and I'm ready to take on your famous Miltank! Bring it on!" A man with short black hair and a black goatee, who's wearing a black shirt, a purple Pokegear, blue jeans, and black sneakers points his index finger at the pink-haired teenage girl standing before him. His Farfetch'd is at his side, also pointing at the girl by holding his leek with one wing, "Fetch'd, far far!" The pink-haired girl blinks and says, "I think you're looking for the Goldenrod City Gym. That's two buildings down." Robert asks, "What's this building, then?" "This is the Golden Rod city gym, where our motto is 'why use iron bars to work out when you could use golden rods'? You came to the right place, though, Robert, you look really outta shape!" The girl, who's standing behind the front desk, reaches down to grab an application form, "I have an amazing membership plan for you! Sign up for nine years for $15,000 and you get the tenth year of membership ABSOLUTELY FREE! Isn't that a great deal?" When she finds the form and looks up, Robert and his Farfetch'd are both gone and puffs of smoke shaped like them are standing where they used to be. The front desk clerk fumes, "Jared, I know your Weezing's an 'artiste', but whenever he gets inspired to make a new work of art, take him outside! This is a non-smoking facility!" She points at a 'No Smoking' sign. The Weezing belonging to a buff Trainer who's working out turns both of his heads sadly downwards and slowly floats outside. "My name's Robert. I'm the Diversity Gym Leader and I'm here to challenge YOU! I've trained for a month now and I'm ready to take on your famous Miltank! Bring it on! And you'd better be Whitney this time because I really don't want to have to say this whole introduction again!" Robert points his index finger at the pink-haired girl standing at one side of a large arena in the Goldenrod City Gym, the building that Robert and his Farfetch'd just entered moments ago. "Yep, I'm Whitney! That's one cute Farfetch'd!" Whitney smiles and pulls out a Pokeball, "Let's have a one-on-one match. We'll see if you can take on my Miltank!" Robert crouches down and pats his Farfetch'd on the back, "You can do it, Farfetch'd! You beat Lieutenant Surge's Raichu, so tipping over a cow should be a piece of cake for you! A piece of delicious ice cream cake... mmm, an ice cream cake made of vanilla and chocolate and..." As a hungry Robert imagines the cake he's describing, Whitney tosses her Pokeball, her Miltank emerges, and she commands, "Miltank, Rollout!" The moment Robert's Farfetch'd enters the ring, Whitney's Miltank rolls up into a ball and rams into him at full force, knocking him up into the air, "Miru, miru!" "...that goo they use to write birthday greetings, that stuff's..." When Robert sees Farfetch'd fly up into the air, he beams and clasps his hands together in front of his chest, "Farfetch'd! You finally learned how to fly?!" Robert's hands unclasp and his jaw drops when he sees his Farfetch'd plummet to the arena's floor. He shakes his head and says, "Farfetch'd, use Agility to dodge Miltank's attacks, then once you're moving fast enough, Swords Dance around whenever you get the chance to increase your attack power - after that use your leek to Cut down the Miltank's defenses, then finish her off with a forceful Peck attack!" Whitney yawns, then looks at her pink fingernails, "That's a clever strategy, Robert, but I've got a better one. Miltank, Rollout." Farfetch'd gets up and starts to use his Agility, but before he can pick up speed, Whitney's Miltank slams into Farfetch'd with a stronger Rollout attack, this time knocking him out of the ring while simultaneously knocking him out! Miltank stops rolling and both she and her Trainer raise their arms in victory! "Okay, Robert, don't have a cow... that's Whitney's job... pull yourself together... there must be some way to beat this Miltank!" Robert pulls his Farfetch'd back into his Pokeball then argues, "Whitney, you started when I wasn't ready! Let's have another match!" "Oh, boo hoo. 'I wasn't ready'! What a crybaby! You're a Gym Leader - don't you owe me a Badge now? Or are you too much of a sore loser to give me one?" Whitney laughs and rubs her eyes mockingly, oblivious to the irony, then says, "Normally I ask Trainers my Miltank beats to come back some other day, but you were so fun to beat I wanna do it again, so kay, we'll have another match. I'm gonna use Miltank again - which Pokemon of yours should I have her defeat next?" "Swinub!" Robert exclaims, pulling out the Pokeball that he received as a gift on the Magnet Train last Christmas Day, "Uh, I mean, Swinub's the Pokemon I'm gonna use, not the Pokemon you should have her defeat. Which is not to say you're not going to defeat her - while I hope she wins, I try to be realistic and..." "JUST GO ALREADY!" Whitney shouts, then commands, "Miltank, use Rollout on the Swinub when you see the squint of her eyes. It'll be funny to see a pig fly!" Robert tosses his Pokeball into the ring and a cute little brown Swinub with a big pink nose pops out. Her large nose sniffs the air a few times and before the Miltank uses Rollout, she jumps over to where the Miltank is standing, latches onto one of her teats, then starts to suck out some Milk Drink. Robert sweatdrops and grabs the back of his head, "Heh, I forgot to mention that my Swinub loves pigging out... pun intended. She eats like a Snorlax! C'mon Swinub, use your Powder Snow attack - then you can have some ICE COLD Milk Drink! Doesn't that sound tasty? Almost as tasty as an ice cold delicious ice cream cake... mmmm..." Whitney and her Miltank both have horrified expressions on their faces that show just how disgusted they are. Whitney makes a retching noise and says, "Ewwwww, Miltank, Stomp on that disgusting pig! I mean, it's one thing for you to suck out your own Milk Drink, but to have a stranger do it? That's just NASTY!" The Miltank is happy to comply - she raises one hoof into the air and Stomps on Robert's Swinub, knocking her off of her teat. The Swinub, enraged that her meal has been interrupted, blows huge chunks of Powder Snow onto the Miltank who stomped on her - the snow blown her way is so cold that she gets encased in ice! "Wow, Swinub, you really blow chunks! ...uhh, in a good way." Robert points at Whitney's Miltank, "Now just keep hitting Miltank with your Tackle attack!" Each time Robert's Swinub Tackles Whitney's Miltank, she yelps, then when the Miltank finally faints, Whitney starts to cry like a baby as she walks across the arena. "Waaaaaah... here's your... WaaaahaaaaaaAHHHH... Plain Badge..." Whitney pulls out a plain-looking Plain Badge and pins it on Robert's long-sleeved black shirt, right next to where Morty's Fog Badge is pinned, "You.... hooo... hooo... deserve it..." "Thanks... and cheer up!" Robert exclaims, rummaging through the black laptop case hanging from his shoulder, "You beat me before I beat you, so here's your very own Oasis Badge!" He pulls an Oasis Badge out of his bag and reaches over to pin it on Whitney's shirt, but before he can do this, she snatches it out of his hand. "Gimme that! WOOOOO! I'm a WINNER! A WINNER IS MEEEE!" Whitney jumps up and down excitedly, pins the Oasis Badge on her shirt, and starts literally doing cartwheels around the Goldenrod City Gym, squealing in joy! Robert and his Swinub, who's been sucking on the unconscious Miltank's frozen udder ever since he knocked her out, are disturbed by Whitney's manic-depressive behavior, so they both slowly back away from the hyperactive teenage girl and once they're at what they consider a safe distance, they turn around and run. -Robert