From: Bandraptor (bandraptor@yahoo.com) Subject: [PW!] I'm a Rookie Trainer! Really! Newsgroups: alt.games.nintendo.pokemon Date: 2003-10-07 23:51:39 PST An enormous Dragonite is careening through the air over the Hoenn Ocean at a ridiculous speed. Clutching its antennae is a young man of about eighteen. Dressed in Hoenn garb, he has a boyish face that conveys a sense of kindness; however, at the moment, his eyes are narrowed in an enraged fashion. Within seconds, the reason for his ire becomes apparent, as the Dragonite dips out of the air, and spirals into the sea! A moment later, it resurfaces, and continues its rush forward, plowing through the waves, kicking up a wake of water that its rider promptly begins to drown in. "Ptu! Ptu!" The man tries to spit enough of the water out of his mouth to restore his speech, "Dragon--blek!--Ptu!--Rock---blrrbleblurr--" He jerks the Pokemon's antennae violently, trying desperately to make it aware of the jagged surfbreaker that's just ahead of them. With a degree of agility that should be impossible for a creature of its size, the overweight Dragonite leaps straight up into the air, clearing the wall of rocks! All awe over the Dragonite's feat is immediately discarded, though, when two seconds later, it loses control of its jump, and tumbles, head over heels, into the ocean again. It skids through the water as it grows progressively shallower, bounces once when it hits the beach, ricochets over the heads of some unwary sunbathers, and crashes through a barricade of trees, before finally sliding to a stop. The young man jumps off of the Pokemon's back, and flops onto the ground, panting, exhausted. "I hate you, Dragonite." The Dragonite shrugs, unconcernedly. "A thirty hour flight...a day and a half of flying upside down, crashing through everything in sight...and you were gassy to boot." The Dragonite yawns and stretches, then curls up in the grass to take a nap. "Oh, no you don't." The man snaps, crossly, "I'm not going to sit here and babysit you, to make sure that none of the locals come across you while you're sleeping. You can rest when you're back in Johto. Now get out of here, before you blow my cover." The Dragonite shrugs again. It raises its right paw, touches two claws to its forehead, and closes its eyes in deep concentration. The man realizes what it's doing, and immediately jumps to his feet. "You know how to use Teleport?!? You could have Teleported us here?!? Don't even SAY that you know how to Teleport!" The Dragonite smirks wickedly, and disappears in a flash of light. "Crap!" The man shouts to nobody in particular, "Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?!" * * * It's about an hour's walk from Littleroot Port to the more rural section of the town where Professor Birch keeps his laboratory. His clothes now completely dry, the young man is sitting a short distance away from the lab, combing the salt out of his short, blue hair. "Gotta get into character." He says, psyching himself up for the task ahead. He stands up tall, raises the pitch of his voice slightly, and chirps, "I'm Sapphire, from Littleroot Town! I'm eighteen years old! This is my first time training Pokemon, so please give me a powerful Starter that has perfect deter values and PokeRus..." 'Sapphire' trails off. "A rookie trainer wouldn't speak like that. Hrrrmmm. This is going to be harder than I originally thought. How can I pretend to be ignorant, when I know so darn much?" He slides the comb into one of his cargo pants' pockets. "Well, maybe I can at least get my level of intelligence down to that of a 'normal' trainer." He crosses his eyes, and shouts, "CHARIZARD IS TEH 1337. NIDOGOD IS REAL. MISSINGNO. IS TEH STRONGEST PKMN EVAR. ...Yeah, that'll do it." He jogs towards the lab, and raps his knuckles lightly against the front door. The door is opened by a buxom girl with light brown pigtails. She's wearing a short-cut, red and white dress, black biking shorts, a tan fanny pack, and has a red scarf with a Pokeball design on it tied around her head. She gives Sapphire a quick look over, then jumps into his arms! "Wow! You're like, totally the cutest trainer I've seen all day! Howsabout we make out right here?" Sapphire grins carnally for a moment, then realizes that Professor Birch probably won't be willing to give any Pokemon to a guy who's banging his daughter. He clicks his tongue, thoughtfully. "Get a Pokemon..? Get laid..? What a choice to make." "Please disregard my sister." A purple Ditto urges, as she slinks across the floor, towards the pair. "She seems to find amusement in convincing impressionable trainers that Professor Birch has a lustful teenage daughter. In actuality, the trainer that she is impersonating is the daughter of the Petalburg Gym Leader. Professor Birch only has one child, a son named Brendan." "What the heck, sis?" The transformed Ditto squeals, "You're, like, ruining the mood here. Besides, I'm not inperson-mating with May! I only digs guys, and you knows it!" "Xerox! Famifax! Is somebody at the door?" A bearded man, whose freshly ironed labcoat seems somewhat mismatched against his khaki shorts and worn Birkenstocks, walks up behind the Ditto twins. "I thought I heard knocking." "Heya, Birchy!" Famifax, the May-lookalike, hops out of Sapphire's arms, and possessively pulls him up against her chest in a bearhug. "How'da ya like my new boyfriend? Isn't he just super cute?" Xerox, the purple Ditto, gives her eyes a discreet roll, and addresses the man, "Despite my sister's claims to the contrary, I think we can safely assume that this trainer is here to see you, Professor Birch." "Oh!" Professor Birch rushes outside, and gently, but swiftly, separates the embracing pair. Famifax sticks her tongue out at both the Professor and her sister, then retreats into the lab. Birch holds out a hand for Sapphire to shake. "You must be Sapphire! I've heard all about you from your father." "You have?" Sapphire says blankly. "Why, yes!" Birch releases his grip on Sapphire's hand, and ushers him inside. "I spoke to him on the phone, just the other day. He told me that you had recently moved to Littleroot Town, that you were interested in becoming a Pokemon trainer, and that you'd be stopping by to pick up a Starter Pokemon. If you don't mind me asking, where did your family move from? Your father has the most fascinating accent." "Right," Sapphire nods, realizing that the person who made the phone call was probably Giovanni, who has a strong Italian accent. Putting on his most innocent voice, Sapphire recites, "Well, our old house was in the Orange Islands. My father had an unofficial gym there. He retired last year, though, and my parents decided to buy a condo near Littleroot Port. They said they were tired of having to Surf twenty miles to Pummello Island every time they wanted to buy groceries, and that Hoenn would be more convenient." Sapphire makes a big show of acting sad, "I really miss our old town, though..." "Well, I'm sure that you'll come to love Littleroot!" Birch smiles warmly, "I chose Littleroot Town as my home years ago, because it was the ideal place to set up a lab; and now that I'm here, I can't see myself living anyplace else." Birch continues, pensively, "Now, there's just one thing that I don't understand, Sapphire. Why haven't you worked with Pokemon before now? Particularly with your father being a Gym Leader, I'm surprised that you didn't go on a Trainer Journey when you were ten." Sapphire's ready for this question too. "I wanted to get finished with school before I embarked on a Trainer Journey. I just graduated, in June." "Good for you!" The Professor beams, "Getting a good education is paramount. Just remember, though, there are some things that you can't learn from books. That's why I make it a point to go out into the field on a daily basis, and observe the habits of Pokemon firsthand." Sapphire suddenly feels Famifax's arms wrapped around his waist. "Hey, cutie," she says coyly, "If *you* wants to learn about Pokemon firsthand, I'll totally teach ya everything I know! We don't even haftas go outside!" "If you do not wish to be the recipient of my sister's advances," Xerox advises Sapphire, "you are going to have to tell her directly. In her hormonally charged state of mind, she is likely to misconstrue any attempts you make to ignore her as a type of foreplay." Sapphire, who has no problem with being fondled by an attractive girl, inadvertently slips into his normal voice for a moment. "Eh. I'm good." With Famifax still holding onto him, he follows Professor Birch deeper into the lab. Professor Birch stops in front of a door with an electronic lock on it. "Please wait here for a moment," he says, quickly tapping some numbers into the keypad, and whisking the door open. Sapphire catches a brief glimpse of a room lined with shelves full of Pokeballs, before the door slams shut. A minute later, Birch reemerges, carrying three of the Pokeballs. "Sapphire, these are the Pokemon that I give to people who are just starting out as Trainers. They're even-tempered and intelligent, so they're fairly easy to raise, even for people who have never dealt with Pokemon before. You can take your pick of any one of these." Professor Birch sets the Pokeballs down on a nearby lab bench, then presses the release buttons on each of them. Three Pokemon coalesce on the floor in front of the table. The first is a green, bipedal lizard with delicate looking skin, and huge, piercing eyes. It has rounded fingertips, and twin tails that look like seed pods. The second Pokemon is an orange eaglet with a colorful feather crest on its head, and a mane of downy plumage extending from the base of its wings around the back of its neck. The third Pokemon is a cheerful looking amphibian that sports enormous tail and dorsal fins. It has Pikachu-like spots on its cheeks, but those spots have very un-Pikachu-like spikes jutting out of them. Sapphire amuses himself by wondering if many little kids have poked their eyes out while trying to hug the thing. Professor Birch explains briefly, "The Pokemon on the left is Treecko, a Grass-type." He points to the other two in turn, "Torchic is a Fire-type, and Mudkip is a Water-type. Each of these Pokemon has its own strengths and weaknesses, relative to the elements that they embody, so take that into consideration when making your choice." Sapphire folds his arms across the chest, and sizes up the Treecko. "Treecko's a Grass-type," he murmurs, "and it's obviously a cold-blooded Pokemon as well. Since it can't control its own body temperature, it's going to be even more vulnerable to Fire and Ice attacks than the average Grass Pokemon. I can't be having that." "Hmmm?" Since Sapphire was speaking under his breath, Professor Birch wasn't able to make out any of that. Sapphire approaches the Mudkip next, and lifts it up off the floor. "Having a Surfing Water Pokemon on my team would certainly make getting around Hoenn easier." He carefully pinches the bones in the little Pokemon's toes. "...Mudkip's feet are built for weight bearing and balance, though. Good for wading through swamps, not so great for paddling across oceans. It probably wouldn't be of any use to me." "What?" Professor Birch asks, still unable to hear what Sapphire is saying. Sapphire puts the Mudkip down, and turns his attention to the Torchic. After a moment, he frowns thoughtfully. "Well, it's pretty cute, but other than that, I can't really think of anything that's wrong with it." He scratches the eaglet under the chin, and she chirps happily in response. Sapphire smirks inwardly. "What can I say? I've always had a fondness for Fire-types. It's useful having a Pokemon who can incinerate incriminating evidence for you." "Huh?" Birch is starting to ask, when he sees Sapphire reaching for Torchic's Pokeball. "Oh, so, you've decided to use Torchic as your partner? That's a great choice." The Professor strikes a pose: "I've always felt that More than all other Pokes Torchic is tres chic." Sapphire, Xerox, and Famifax all sweatdrop! Professor Birch scratches the back of his head, looking a bit miffed. "Well...poetry always was more Samuel's talent." "Coolies!" Famifax squeals, "You gots a Torchy Pokemon, just like Marvey-man!" Famifax says this in all innocence, but the sudden comparison of Sapphire to Marvin makes her blanche. She releases Sapphire abruptly, "Eww! I can't go out with you! It'd be just like dating my Dad! Totally icky!" Famifax sulks for a minute, worried that she might not be able to make out with anybody before the end of the day; but fortunately, right at that moment, Professor Birch's assistant emerges from the basement, carrying a stack of books. "Assy!" Famifax cheers, tackling him to the ground. She cuddles him lovingly. "I've missed you! You've been gone at least twenty minutes!" "Famifax," the assistant protests, as the May-lookalike smothers him with kisses, "could you please transform into something else? The way you look now, I worry that Norman is going to barge in, and have his Vigoroth Slash me to death..." Sapphire mopes, a bit disappointed that Famifax has lost interest in him. "Well, I guess I should be going. Thank you for the Torchic, Professor Birch." "Certainly." Birch hands Sapphire a small package. "Here's a Pokedex and some Pokeballs to help you get started. Please come back when you've completed your badge collecting journey. I'd like to see which Pokemon you encounter on your trip--comparing Trainers' Pokedexes gives me invaluable information as far as Pokemon habitats and species density are concerned." "Of course, Professor Birch." Sapphire gathers his Torchic up in his arms, and walks towards the front door, escorted by Xerox. "Ah well," Sapphire gives a little sigh of concession, as the baby bird Pokemon happily nuzzles his chest, "I guess I can't complain--at least there's *one* chick in Hoenn who likes me." TBC? --Sigless Beth