From: "Steffan Alun" <sha3@aber.ac.uk> Subject: [PW!] Gulpin's First Battle Date: Tuesday, July 06, 2004 9:38 AM News travels fast among Pokémon. This is especially true of news regarding Trainer Pokémon – those Pokémon that have been caught in PokéBalls and taken away from their homes to fight on behalf of a human. Little is known of this practice among wild Pokémon. Why do humans do it? Why do Pokémon allow it? What happens next? The prison break-in organised by Doppler, therefore, had quickly spread through the routes, once again sparking frantic discussion amongst those Pokémon who enjoyed metaphysical speculation. A group of like-minded Pokémon north of Slateport had been particularly intrigued by the dilemma. They discussed for hours the implications of the concept of capturing Pokémon, and wondered why those Pokémon released from their trainers' care rarely made it back into the wild. One Pokémon in their area, however, had not been at all interested in the debate. He'd been a Gulpin of good breeding, and was certain that only those Pokémon willing to stoop as low as it got would ever be taken in by a human. "You'd never see ME inside a Poké Ball," he'd drawled – in his native tongue, of course – as he joined in his neighbours' discussion weeks previously. "You wouldn't have a choice," a paranoid Plusle had replied. "If Pokémon could resist the Balls, why would Lord Doppull and his Merry Manectric need to crusade against them?" The Plusle had heard this story from a friend of a friend of a friend, and as such, the truth had evolved somewhat. "Lord Doppull? He goes around destroying buildings and freeing Pokémon that don't even WANT freedom," the Gulpin had scoffed. "I hope I never come across the Doppull gang. Er…" He never got to finish his monologue, because at that moment, he'd been trapped in a Poké Ball. The ball belonged to Lauren, a woman who certainly had no respect for a Pokémon's right to freedom, in spite of her partner Diego, who loved showering his creatures with love and care. Lauren hadn't released Gulpin since. He wished he hadn't jinxed himself by claiming he never wanted to meet the person he knew as Lord Doppull. Little did he know that his life would soon become more exciting. PokéWars!: Lauren and Diego "Gulpin's First Battle" Steffan Alun "You fool, Diego!" spluttered Lauren. "You lost them." "What, sorry?" asked Diego, who was spraying some deodorant on his egg. "We're meant to be protecting those kids in case the police show up," said Lauren. "This isn't the time for...what ARE you doing, anyway?" "Ensuring that the egg doesn't get all sweaty," said Diego. "I'm sure eggs don't sweat," said Lauren. "Especially when it's POURING WITH RAIN!" Diego looked upwards, as though he hadn't yet realised it was raining. Lauren, on the other hand, was wearing a large waterproof coat and carrying a big black umbrella. The pair had been walking for some time, but having wandered off the path at Route 111, they had no idea where they were headed. They knew that they had to end up at a mansion at some point, and they hoped they'd eventually reach a clearing where they could see at least a rooftop past the trees. "Look!" exclaimed Diego suddenly. "It's the naked girl!" Lauren followed his gaze. "Diego, that is neither naked nor a girl. That is a fully-clothed old man." "Oh. My mistake." Diego sniffed and returned to his egg. He was varnishing it. "Excuse me, sir!" shouted Lauren, stuck by a thought. "Correct, my girl," said the man. Lauren, uncertain as to what she was apparently correct about, removed a Poké Ball from her pocket. "Would you like to purchase a Gulpin, by any chance? It's like a green Grimer with a leaf - or something - on its head. Bound to be a hit at parties!" "I will not buy," replied the old man. "But I will battle!" "Ah, I'm not looking for a battle," said Lauren. "See you around." "Wait!" cried the man. "You are a Pokémon trainer, are you not, my pretty little thing? Pokémon trainers must fight." "I'm NOT a trainer, for your information," huffed Lauren, who rather resented being referred to as little, pretty and/or a thing. The old man narrowed his eyes. "You have Pokémon! You MUST be a trainer! It is illegal to own Pokémon unless one has a trainer license." "Oh, alright, I'll fight," muttered Lauren. "Only one-on-one, though. And if I win, you have to buy my Gulpin." "Sounds fair," replied the man. He released his own Pokémon - a Wingull. Lauren released Gulpin, and looked up into the sky. A Wingull would be a tough opponent, she realised. It was raining. "Alright, Gulpin, do something," she said indifferently. "You have to be more specific, Lauren," said Diego, expert strategist. "What can it do, then, if you're so clever?" "Use your PokéDex to find out!" said Diego. "Diego, you know full well that I have no such thing," replied Lauren wearily. "Of course you do!" said Diego impatiently. "Remember why we're repaying those kids in the first place?" Yes! thought Lauren. Of course! She removed the device from her pocket - it was a complete database, containing an unbelievable amount of information, which she'd been given by a pair of naiive children. She pointed it towards the Gulpin and checked the screen. "Aha, great," smiled Lauren. "Use Poison Gas, Gulpin!" Gulpin released a cloud of purple gas. The Wingull breathed it in, and was instantly affected by the toxin. "Water Gun, Wingull!" grinned the old man. Wingull shot a powerful blast of water, gaining speed and power as it gathered raindrops on the way. Gulpin was soaked. "Gulpin's on a higher level than the Wingull," said Lauren, checking the PokéDex. "But of course, Wingull has a type advantage in this weather." It was raining. "It's poisoned now," said Diego. "So take advantage of the weakness by using a good, solid attack." "Will do," said Lauren. "Pound it, Gulpin!" The old man quickly command his Wingull to repeat the Water Gun attack. Gulpin managed to Pound the bird first, but was more critically injured by the blast of water received in return. "Don't worry," said Diego. "Gulpin's pretty strong." It was raining. "Right, no more of this childish behaviour," said Lauren. "Yawn, you filthy beast." "NO!" cried Diego, but too late. Gulpin was busily yawning, trying to lure the bird into taking a nap. The old man sniggered. "As if it'll go to sleep now! As long as that poison keeps chipping away at it, it won't be able to sleep. Now, Wingull, use your Water Gun again." Once again, Gulpin was subjected to a shot of water. "What's that noise?" asked Lauren. "Like a constant beeping noise." "It's the PokéDex," said Diego. "It's informing you that Gulpin's heavily injured." "Oh, I see," said Lauren indignantly. "We'll see about THAT! Gulpin, finish this with..." It was raining. "...your Sludge attack!" Gulpin spat another poisonous substance towards his enemy, all the while wondering why he wasn't even tempted to disobey his selfish trainer. Surely he wasn't enjoying this? "Water Gun," said the old man softly. The Wingull shot a final blast of water towards Gulpin, and the battle was over. Lauren recalled Gulpin, without really caring if he was alright, and kept walking. "Where are you going?" asked the old man. "What do I get for winning?" "Nothing," said Lauren. "We didn't discuss that eventuality, so I'm off." "I should get half your money!" cried the man. "We have a lot of debts," said Lauren. "So if you get half, you technically owe us about five hundred PD." The old man frowned. "Oh," he said finally. "Well, I guess rules are rules." He handed them a stack of notes and wandered off. Lauren looked at the money. She was trying to work out whether she deserved it or not. "He's right, you know," said Diego. "If you have minus a thousand, and he wants half, he gets minus five hundred. That means he gives you a positive five hundred." "That doesn't make sense," said Lauren. "Yes it does," said Diego. "Think of it like halving something that exists outside of this dimension and-" "No, I mean, usually, mathematical skills go hand-in-hand with musical skills," said Lauren. "So how come you can handle calculations involving negative money, but you sing Twinkle Twinkle as though it contains only three different notes?" They started walking again, searching ceaselessly for their destination. Eventually, Diego spoke again. "I don't get five hundred bucks for singing Twinkle Twinkle." -- Steffan Too Long Didn't Read Version: Ynhera hfrf Thycva gb svtug na byq zna naq rneaf 500 Cbxé Qbyynef qrfcvgr ybfvat. (Use Rot13 to decipher).