From: Jose L. Solano <jsolano199@aol.comlink> Subject: [PW!] The Fate of Trent Retwin Date: Sunday, September 19, 1999 6:40 PM “Serving Torchured Soul number 5,690,837,492,940,500,005.” said the goat-like guard. Trent looked at the card he had been given. 5,690,837,492,940,500,005. He was at the front of the line anyway. “Young man, please remove your hood.” Trent (and every other “Torchured Soul”) was dressed in a black hooded cloak. Trent lower his hood as he ascended the long, rocky stairway, flanked by a pathway of fire. The stairway was long, stretching out farther than the eye could see. Every so often he would see more of the guards standing at attention. Trent was already growing tired, having climbed for a little over an hour. He stopped at another guard post. “Hey, how much farther is it to the top?” “What, are you tired already? You’re .001 % of the way there!” “WHAT?!” “Keep climbing, human!” Trent continued to climb. He stopped at another guard station. “Hey...you have any...water...I could...have...?” “Water? We don’t waste such a precious substance on you humans! All water is reserved for the Master and his most trusted assistants. Keep climbing, human!” “And if I don’t?” “Well then we use you as a slave. Very few have ever reached the top.” “What if I climb slowly?” “Huh? Climb slowly? Uh...I’ll check on that.” The guard opened a panel on a rock and took out a book titled “Working In Hell”. He flipped through it. “Ah, here we go.” he said, “If Torchured Soul wishes to climb the stairway slowly, he may. Well, then go ahead.” Trent started climbing slowly. Although this was more time-consuming, it allowd him to save what little energy he had left and regain some more. Trent had finally reached the top. Several guards stood in 2 rows, on either side of a longer hall. “Hey, how long is this hall?” he asked. “A few yards. About the size of uh... hey Hades, help me out here.” Another guard spoke up. “The size of a Foodball field.” “Don’t you mean Football?” “Whatever.” Trent just walked along. After every few guards there was an indention in the wall, with a burning bowl inside. This was the only light the hall had. Finally, Trent reached the end- A wall with a pentagram on it. “Who has completed the journey to see the master, Akumachu?” Trent was silent. “Who dares to defy Akumachu’s will?” Trent was silent. “Who dares waste valuable time by not responding?” “I do.” “Who are you?” “I am Torchured Soul 5,690,837,492,940,500,005.” “Ah. The 17th Torchured Soul to make it this millenium. State your business.” “I am here to speak with Satan.” “That can be arranged.” The wall opened. Two guards ushered Trent forward. A small staircase lead to a rock stump. On the stump was a pillow. On the pillow was a woman- And what a woman! She had the most perfect body Trent had ever seen! She wore nothing but a few purple strips of cloth, a black cape, high-heeled black boots and silver armlets. On her lap was a Pikachu, wearing a skull mask and a small purple cape, sitting on another pillow. “What do you want of Akumachu?” said a raspy, somewhat squeeky voice. The woman hadn’t opened her mouth. “I am Trent Retwin. I have travelled all this way to meet with you.” “And why is it you wish to see me?” “Well...I’m not sure. What do I get for coming here?” “What?” “Well, I mean-” “I know what you meant, it’s just that, well...” “Yeah?” “Well...” continued the raspy voice. “...You don’t get anything.” “Then why the hell did I come all the way up here?!” “Well, you wanted to meet Satan, didn’t you?” “Well, sorta.” “Well, here I am.” “Uh...I didn’t know Satan was a woman...” “The woman isn’t Satan! I’M Satan!” “Well...where are you?” “I’m right in front of you!!” “Where?” The Pikachu got up and slapped Trent. “I’m right here, you ninny!!” “WHAT?! Satan is a Pikachu?!” “Akumachu to be exact.” “I thought you were some red half-goat, horned guy.” “Oh that’s just a myth. Funny story actually...” continued Akumachu. “I was walking around some Middle-eastern town, looking for some good wine, since we run out of it pretty quickly here, and that was the nearest settlement, and some guy saw me come into his store. It turns out” Akumachu laughed. “It turns out he had seen my shadow, and thought that was what I looked like!” “Well...that wasn’t a very funny story.” “SILENCE!!” “Well, uh, Akumachu...” “It’s Master to you!” “Well, Master, why were you sitting on that woman’s lap?” “Oh, you mean Aurem. She’s my pet.” “A pet human?” “Yeah, funny story, actually... See, I was wandering around some desert, and I came upon this tribe of humans. They immediately saw me as a god, and she was chosen as a sacrafice, but I thought she looked cute, for a human, so I had her come with me back to Hell.” “That’s not really funny...” “SILENCE, I’m not done yet!! Anyway, she comes in pretty handy too. See, since I’m an Akumachu, I can’t really grasp things very well. See?” “Yes, I know what Pikachu hands look like...” “God damn it, I’m not a Pikachu!” A thunderbolt hit Akumachu. “ARGH! He did it again! I wish he’d stop shocking me everytime I said that!” “Well, maybe it pisses him off that you accuse him of damning something.” “Hmm...you’re a wise one.” “Not really, I just...” “I said you’re a wise one!!” “Er...yes I am.” “Ahem?” “...Master.” “That’s better. Aurem, please get our guest a glass of water, he must be thirsty.” “As you wish, my master.” She said and walked off. “So, what do you guys do all day here?” “Day? What’s day?” “Uh...well, y’know, when the sun is out, and everyone’s awake...” “Oh THAT. I hate day. That sun always gets in my eyes and blinds me.” “Well, maybe it’s because you’re spending all your time here.” “Well, maybe. The lighting’s not too good here. It seems nowadays more people are being good and going to heaven.” “And what differance does that make?” “Well, you see, if a Torchured Soul doesn’t do what I say, we burn him. Otherwise we get bad lighting.” “I see...Anyways, what do you guys do all...day er...whatever.” “We burn Torchured Souls!” “That’s it?” “Yes.” “No wonder you’re so evil, you lead a pretty damn boring life...” “I supposed YOU had a more interesting life?” “Well, I...” “SILENCE! Guard, get me his report.” The guard was seated at a PC. He started clicking a bit, typed up something, clicked some more, clicked furiously, then punched the wall in frustration. “What, nothing?” “No, master. We need to update to a better internet server! Aohell just doesn’t cut it anymore!” Trent looked at the screen. “What, you guys have your own internet service here?” “Yes, Hell has it’s own internet, just like Earth and Heaven do. Except we’re stuck with Aohell until we can update to Microsoft Explorer.” “Man, you guys ARE evil!” “Well, what else do you want us to use? Hell’s Gate Navigator?” “Well uh...I’m not too good with the internet...especially not the Hell internet...” The guard finally found something. “OK, sir, downloading...” They waited. And they waited. And they waited. “Here is the drink you requested, Master.” said Aurem. “Thank you.” Akumachu drank the glass of water. “Hey! That was for me!!” yelled Trent. “Oh, sorry. Aurem, get our guest another glass of water.” Finally the article had been downloaded. “Ok, Master, Trent Retwin, born in Celadon City, trained Pokemon, blah blah blah... bounty hunter, killed at a Church masacre.” “Oh, another reason not to trust those God damned churches!” Akumachu was hit by another thunderbolt. “Uh, Master, where does the lightning come from? There’s a rock ceiling above us.” “I don’t know. Anytime I try to ask the guy, he shocks me!” The guard continued reading the article. “It says here that this guy killed Pikachu....for fun!” “WHAT?! How dare you kill my people!” “I thought you were an Akumachu!” “I am! I just rule the Pikachu!” “Sure you are...” “Alright, fine, I’m just a Pikachu. But if you tell anyone, you’re dead!” “I AM dead.” “Oh that’s right. Anyway, since you killed Pikachu, you will be punished!” “Why? They deserved it.” “Explain!” “Well, back on Earth, Pikachu are VERY annoying. You see them on t-shirts, dolls, action figures, anything that makes money, and this weird Japanese cartoon series.” “So?! You will be burned for this!” “Well uh...look at the good points on the resume!” “Let’s see...good at handling Pokemon, you did complete most of your bounties, gruesome methods of torture...I guess your good points outweight your bad points.” “So, now what?” “Well, I will make you an offer you can't refuse.” “What?” "I want you to train some Pokemon for me." "What?" "You heard me!" "Why?" "Well, sometimes I have Pokemon matches with my guards, the slaves, visitors, sometimes even saints." "Alright. Where will I be staying?" “I’m having some servants arranged a bedroom for you.” “Wow, my own bedroom? In Hell?” “Yeah, everyone who makes it up the stairs gets it.” “Ok, so, what else do I get?” “Let’s see...a room, food, baths, and water. That’s about it.” “Baths?” “Yes, you will be bathed by Aurem.” “I need a bath. Right now!” “Not so fast, Retwin. Water isn’t exactly plentifull here. You only get a bath when you absolutlely need it.” “Dammit...” Aurem gave Trent the glass of water. Trent drank quickly. He smiled at Aurem. “Pervert.” she said. “Anyways, Retwin, off to your room. I’d like you to get some rest so you can start training endlessly” Trent was escorted to his room. Inside, he had a soft mattress, a few sheets, a pillow, and a dresser, oddly enough adourned with pictures Trent would have had if he had his own room on Earth. “Hey, why do I need sheets in Hell?” “Private bedrooms have A/C.” replied the guard. “Badass! Hell’s a lot more fun than I thought!” TBC... Jose Luis Solano --------------------------------------- Offical Member of the AFSH Stupid Brigade --------------------------------------- "Chuba? Ni chuba na?" -Sebulba