From: Roberto Perez-Vila
Subject: [PW!] The Tree of Knowledge
Date: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 5:35 PM
A psychotic Slowpoke washes onto the southern shore of Pallet Town after
a long time at sea. He crawls forward, as slow as any other Slowpoke,
chanting, "The scientific tree of knowledge will assist me, whether it
wants to or not."
A little girl of about ten years of age with curly red hair and bright
green eyes runs onto the beach wearing a green bathing suit and carrying
a pail shaped like a Psyduck, "Coool! It's a Slowpoke! I'm gunna catch
it!" The girl pulls a Pokeball out of a pocket on her swimsuit, and
throws it out. A tiny blue turtle Pokemon pops out and gurgles,
"Do you truly believe that such a weak opponent can subdue the immense
power of Luthor?" The Slowpoke cackles, uses his Confusion attack, "Feel
the wrath of Luthor! Ahhhh ha...ha...ha...ha!"
"It talks?" The girl asks out loud, but Luthor is too busy laughing to
The girl's Squirtle retracts into his shell to avoid the Confusion blast,
"Squirtle, Squirt!" This tactic helps lessen the blow, but the Confusion
still affects the Squirtle, and he gets confused. The turtle Pokemon,
being totally confused, comes out of his shell, but with his legs where
his arms should be, and his head peeking out where his tail should be,
The young girl shrieks, "Eeeeew! The weird tawkin Slowpoke is strongo
than I thought! Squirtle, return!" The girl recalls the confused Pokemon
into the Pokeball and tucks it away, "Darn! Oak gave me a reject Pokemon!
Why couldn't I have gotten a Pikachu like Ash? No, I had to pick the
Squirtle. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" She slaps her forehead repeatedly.
Luthor approaches the now weeping girl, "You visited the tree of
knowledge? And it gave you a Pokemon? Why did it do that? *How* did it do
that? Is it not an inanimate object with great scientific prowess for
some odd reason?"
The ten year old wails, "A tree didn't give me a Pokemon! Professor Oak
did. He gave me a *stupid* Pokemon!"
"You seem to have been affected by my Confusion attack as well." Luthor
stares at the sad little girl, "You say that the tree of knowledge didn't
give you a Pokemon, then you say it did. You have serious mental
problems, nutcase. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must find the tree of
knowledge so I may continue my conquest of the universe."
The little girl weeps, "I don't know why I'm tellin' you this, you
meanie, but if you're looking for trees, you should try the Lab over
there... Professor Oak has *tons* of trees in his back yard." The girl
points to Oak's Lab, and runs away.
"So, the tree of knowledge keeps slaves, much like I do?" Luthor nods,
his usually frustrated expression curving up towards a grin, "Then he
will understand my plight. Force will be unnecessary. Perhaps it is
better this way." Luthor starts his trek from Pallet Town's Beach to
Professor Oak's Lab, a simple five minute stroll for any normal human
* Three hours and thirty-seven minutes later, the Slowpoke arrives at the
entrance to Professor Oak's Lab. *
Luthor uses his mind to move the knocker on the door. Knock. Knock.
"Who's there?" An elderly man's voice is heard coming from within.
"Luthor." The Slowpoke announces loudly.
The voice chimes out, "Luthor who?"
"Does it matter?" The Slowpoke angrily replies, "I have a dream. Now let
me enter so that I may spread my message to the masses by nailing my '99
Thesis to the tree of knowledge. I *order* you to let me enter, foolish
The door slides open, revealing an aged man wearing a lab coat, "Tree of
knowledge? Never heard of it." The Pokemon researcher looks from left to
right, then downward. He notices Luthor's belt and backpack, "So, we have
another Pokemon who wants to be a Pokemon trainer? My name's Professor
Oak, and I can give you a Pokedex and a Pokemon of your choice to help
you on your journey. Please, come in." The Professor walks back into his
After much delay, Luthor stands inside of the Laboratory. He admires his
surroundings, then looks up at Oak, still trying to accept the fact that
he's a human and not a tree, "Professor Oak, I demand you mix chemicals
so that Clayface can Mimic Pokemon for a longer amount of time. Hurry up,
I don't have time to spare."
"A Slowpoke that doesn't have time to spare? That's a first..." Professor
Oak laughs, "I'm not sure what you're talking about, but would you like a
new Pokemon? You can choose Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, or Pikachu!"
Luthor considers each name, only sure of what one of the Pokemon listed
looks like - the Squirtle, "What is this Bulbous-sore? It sounds like a
disease. Not that that's a bad thing. I need Pestilence in my army."
"Well, I wouldn't call Bulbasaur scary, persay. Here, you can take a look
for yourself!" The good Professor drops a Pokeball in front of Luthor,
and a female Bulbasaur appears, standing on her hind legs, hands on her
wide hips. Professor Oak exclaims, "Oh! You wouldn't want this Bulbasaur.
She fell into a vat of Poison I was mixing for weeds..."
"Really?" Luthor stares at the busty female Bulbasaur in awe, "Did she
gain a super power from the experience?"
Professor Oak gives a look of concern, then laughs, considering the
question to be a joke, "Not really, but after the experience in the vat,
she bumped into a pile of TMs in my warehouse and learned the Poison move
known as Toxic."
"It would have made more sense if she had learned it from overexposure to
the poison." Luthor argues.
Professor Oak shrugs, "It's less against the rules this way, I suppose."
"What rules?" Luthor asks, looking up at the skylight in Oak's Lab.
Oak rubs his chin, "The rules of... nature. Yes, that's it. Nature."
"Bulba! Bulba!" The Bulbasaur wiggles her hips, much like a Jynx would,
but less frightening.
Luthor grins at the female Bulbasaur, finally realizing who she relates
to in the comic book world due to her seductive nature, "Welcome to my
army of super villains, Poison Ivy." Poison Ivy, the Bulbasaur, giggles
at her new nickname, "Bulb! Bulba!" Luthor uses his mind to suck Poison
Ivy back into her Pokeball, and moves it onto his own belt.
Professor Oak smiles at the Slowpoke, "Good choice! Bulbasaur is a great
Pokemon, especially for beginners. You should also carry a Pokedex to
help you identify new Pokemon." Oak claps his hands, "Loki, bring me a
A Growlithe who is actually a Ditto runs up next to Professor Oak with a
red device in his mouth, spits it in front of Luthor, scratches himself
indecently, licks himself, then howls, "Hey, everyone! How do you like
the way that I lic...?" Professor Oak crouches down and covers Loki's
mouth before he can ask the question, sweatdropping profusely.
Luthor telekinetically moves the red Pokedex onto his belt, "Many thanks,
Professor Oak. You are truly a great villain for assisting me in my
endeavor to enslave humanity. Your previous insubordinance when I asked
for the chemicals needed to cure Clayface's condition will be overlooked
in light of introducing me to Poison Ivy, a formidable ally, and in
giving me Brainiac, or Pokedex, as you call him, to help me learn more
about this strange planet. Many thanks, indeed." Luthor turns around and
starts his quest towards the exit of Professor Oak's Lab, laughing
maniacally the whole way...
Professor Oak chuckles and whispers to Loki, "That's one weird Slowpoke.
Pretty wild imagination, though!"