From: Roberto Perez-Vila <> Subject: [PW!] The Tree of Knowledge Date: Wednesday, September 22, 1999 5:35 PM A psychotic Slowpoke washes onto the southern shore of Pallet Town after a long time at sea. He crawls forward, as slow as any other Slowpoke, chanting, "The scientific tree of knowledge will assist me, whether it wants to or not." A little girl of about ten years of age with curly red hair and bright green eyes runs onto the beach wearing a green bathing suit and carrying a pail shaped like a Psyduck, "Coool! It's a Slowpoke! I'm gunna catch it!" The girl pulls a Pokeball out of a pocket on her swimsuit, and throws it out. A tiny blue turtle Pokemon pops out and gurgles, "Squirtle! Squirtle!" "Do you truly believe that such a weak opponent can subdue the immense power of Luthor?" The Slowpoke cackles, uses his Confusion attack, "Feel the wrath of Luthor! Ahhhh ha...ha...ha...ha!" "It talks?" The girl asks out loud, but Luthor is too busy laughing to hear it. The girl's Squirtle retracts into his shell to avoid the Confusion blast, "Squirtle, Squirt!" This tactic helps lessen the blow, but the Confusion still affects the Squirtle, and he gets confused. The turtle Pokemon, being totally confused, comes out of his shell, but with his legs where his arms should be, and his head peeking out where his tail should be, "...Squirt?!" The young girl shrieks, "Eeeeew! The weird tawkin Slowpoke is strongo than I thought! Squirtle, return!" The girl recalls the confused Pokemon into the Pokeball and tucks it away, "Darn! Oak gave me a reject Pokemon! Why couldn't I have gotten a Pikachu like Ash? No, I had to pick the Squirtle. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" She slaps her forehead repeatedly. Luthor approaches the now weeping girl, "You visited the tree of knowledge? And it gave you a Pokemon? Why did it do that? *How* did it do that? Is it not an inanimate object with great scientific prowess for some odd reason?" The ten year old wails, "A tree didn't give me a Pokemon! Professor Oak did. He gave me a *stupid* Pokemon!" "You seem to have been affected by my Confusion attack as well." Luthor stares at the sad little girl, "You say that the tree of knowledge didn't give you a Pokemon, then you say it did. You have serious mental problems, nutcase. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must find the tree of knowledge so I may continue my conquest of the universe." The little girl weeps, "I don't know why I'm tellin' you this, you meanie, but if you're looking for trees, you should try the Lab over there... Professor Oak has *tons* of trees in his back yard." The girl points to Oak's Lab, and runs away. "So, the tree of knowledge keeps slaves, much like I do?" Luthor nods, his usually frustrated expression curving up towards a grin, "Then he will understand my plight. Force will be unnecessary. Perhaps it is better this way." Luthor starts his trek from Pallet Town's Beach to Professor Oak's Lab, a simple five minute stroll for any normal human being. * Three hours and thirty-seven minutes later, the Slowpoke arrives at the entrance to Professor Oak's Lab. * Luthor uses his mind to move the knocker on the door. Knock. Knock. "Who's there?" An elderly man's voice is heard coming from within. "Luthor." The Slowpoke announces loudly. The voice chimes out, "Luthor who?" "Does it matter?" The Slowpoke angrily replies, "I have a dream. Now let me enter so that I may spread my message to the masses by nailing my '99 Thesis to the tree of knowledge. I *order* you to let me enter, foolish human." The door slides open, revealing an aged man wearing a lab coat, "Tree of knowledge? Never heard of it." The Pokemon researcher looks from left to right, then downward. He notices Luthor's belt and backpack, "So, we have another Pokemon who wants to be a Pokemon trainer? My name's Professor Oak, and I can give you a Pokedex and a Pokemon of your choice to help you on your journey. Please, come in." The Professor walks back into his Lab. After much delay, Luthor stands inside of the Laboratory. He admires his surroundings, then looks up at Oak, still trying to accept the fact that he's a human and not a tree, "Professor Oak, I demand you mix chemicals so that Clayface can Mimic Pokemon for a longer amount of time. Hurry up, I don't have time to spare." "A Slowpoke that doesn't have time to spare? That's a first..." Professor Oak laughs, "I'm not sure what you're talking about, but would you like a new Pokemon? You can choose Bulbasaur, Squirtle, Charmander, or Pikachu!" Luthor considers each name, only sure of what one of the Pokemon listed looks like - the Squirtle, "What is this Bulbous-sore? It sounds like a disease. Not that that's a bad thing. I need Pestilence in my army." "Well, I wouldn't call Bulbasaur scary, persay. Here, you can take a look for yourself!" The good Professor drops a Pokeball in front of Luthor, and a female Bulbasaur appears, standing on her hind legs, hands on her wide hips. Professor Oak exclaims, "Oh! You wouldn't want this Bulbasaur. She fell into a vat of Poison I was mixing for weeds..." "Really?" Luthor stares at the busty female Bulbasaur in awe, "Did she gain a super power from the experience?" Professor Oak gives a look of concern, then laughs, considering the question to be a joke, "Not really, but after the experience in the vat, she bumped into a pile of TMs in my warehouse and learned the Poison move known as Toxic." "It would have made more sense if she had learned it from overexposure to the poison." Luthor argues. Professor Oak shrugs, "It's less against the rules this way, I suppose." "What rules?" Luthor asks, looking up at the skylight in Oak's Lab. Oak rubs his chin, "The rules of... nature. Yes, that's it. Nature." "Bulba! Bulba!" The Bulbasaur wiggles her hips, much like a Jynx would, but less frightening. Luthor grins at the female Bulbasaur, finally realizing who she relates to in the comic book world due to her seductive nature, "Welcome to my army of super villains, Poison Ivy." Poison Ivy, the Bulbasaur, giggles at her new nickname, "Bulb! Bulba!" Luthor uses his mind to suck Poison Ivy back into her Pokeball, and moves it onto his own belt. Professor Oak smiles at the Slowpoke, "Good choice! Bulbasaur is a great Pokemon, especially for beginners. You should also carry a Pokedex to help you identify new Pokemon." Oak claps his hands, "Loki, bring me a Pokedex!" A Growlithe who is actually a Ditto runs up next to Professor Oak with a red device in his mouth, spits it in front of Luthor, scratches himself indecently, licks himself, then howls, "Hey, everyone! How do you like the way that I lic...?" Professor Oak crouches down and covers Loki's mouth before he can ask the question, sweatdropping profusely. Luthor telekinetically moves the red Pokedex onto his belt, "Many thanks, Professor Oak. You are truly a great villain for assisting me in my endeavor to enslave humanity. Your previous insubordinance when I asked for the chemicals needed to cure Clayface's condition will be overlooked in light of introducing me to Poison Ivy, a formidable ally, and in giving me Brainiac, or Pokedex, as you call him, to help me learn more about this strange planet. Many thanks, indeed." Luthor turns around and starts his quest towards the exit of Professor Oak's Lab, laughing maniacally the whole way... Professor Oak chuckles and whispers to Loki, "That's one weird Slowpoke. Pretty wild imagination, though!" -Luthor