From: Chuck Einhorn <unicorns@mmtcnet.com> Subject: [PW!] Heck, Phil Heck. Date: Sunday, October 03, 1999 6:32 AM A quiet day outside Cerulean. The Rattata are at play. Pidgey glide about gently. Pikachu are eating fruit. It is Pokémon ala Disney. Then, the Earth shakes! The ground splits! Pokémon fall to their doom! Ragnarocks the Golem bursts forth from the ground, and slams into a couple of Pikachu-laden trees, and squashes other various cute Pokémon. Phil, parched, charred, amd scratched up emerges from the hole. "Goddish dammit, ya could have helped me out of there!" Phil scans his surroundings. He has come up in an uninhabited place, free of distraction and witnesses. "Where the hell are we?" <Just outside Cerulean City> Humédex chirps. "Good! I need souls! Ragnarocks, return!" Phil proceeds to Cerulean. "My first mission outside of Heck! I nust find followers. I need a place of sin!" Phil spreads his arms to the wind, and feels for tell-tale signals of sinners, despite the frightened looks the kids give him and the hateful ones the mothers throw. He proceeds through Cerulean, till he gets to a "massage parlor." Phil knocks on the door. "Do you have an appointment?" a sacuy voive says from theother side. "No, I am Phil, ruler of Heck, and Prince of Insufficient Light! Now, allow me to proceed!" "Sure pal, and I'm Cleofatra, the biggest pharoh of all. No on gets in without an appointment." "Fine then! I willl get in on my own!" Phil proceeds to hack the door down with his Pitchspoon, and is soon standing among many beautiful ladies in the building. "I knew it! This is a brothel! Yay!" Phil begins to preach of the benefits of Heck, and most of the girls being young, brash, stupid, and desperate, become excite. They all stream out of the place, again dirty looks from mothers, and he leads them screaming and shouting all of the way to Ragnarocks' hole. One after another they throw themselves in, and go to be permanent residents of Heck. Phil is not content, even after the last prostitute has made the lead of faith. "I need to darn a soul! I want some fun! Doomsclay!" The Ditto appears. "Doomsclay, make me bike! And not a puny thing like those ones that get stolen and destroyed by Pikachu's, I mean a Hog!" Doomsclay shies away, then makes a beautiful Harley, covered lavishly with chrome. Phil jumps on, revs the "engine" and streaks towards Cerulean. He comes upon the Cerulean gym, and dismounts, recalling Doomsclay. "I sense sinners here!" Phil batters the door down and walks in among a suprised, formerly mopy Misty, and her equally suprised sisters. Phil glances Lily, Daisy, and Violet over, then looks at Misty. "You! I bet you have commited a minor sin!" He aims Humédex. "Please, my name is...." <Misty> "...?" Phil reads through here info. "Hmm, recent events, Beaten by Darwin the Eevee, Beaten by Mara, Beaten by Dernam, Beaten Beaten Beaten!" Phil looks up at Misty. "Damn, you SUCK!" "...?" "Amd who the hell is named Dernam? That is the lamest name I've ever heard! That guy must be pathetic, and you still lost! Anway..." Phil reads through the rest of the entry. "...?" "Ah, here it is! You are guilty of the minor sin of having unnatural thoughts about a complete moron!" "...?" "Not very articulate, are we? If you like a complete moron so much, HAVE A DATE WITH ONE! I DARN YOU TO HECK!" Misty falls unconscious, and evaporated, being transported temporarliy to Heck, amid screams from her sisters. Phil turns and leaces the gym through busted doors. He calls out Nucleair Winter, and flies off, in search of more souls. <Meanwhile........> Misty awoke in a VERY expensive looking resturant. She looked at herself. And gasped. She was wearing a BEAUTIFUL light-blue evening gown. A small compact lay to her side, and she opened it. The small mirror revealed the absolute best make-up job she had ever seen on herself EVER! Misty used the mirror to look herself down. She had never looked better in her whole damn lfe. She looked PERFECT. Just then, a waiter walks up, and gently sets down 2 plates, covered in the most scrumptious, flavorful foods that Misty knew. Perfect looks, perfect meal. Why had she been so worried? That guy had sent her to the perfect date! "Madam, welcom to Café La Hécké. I am your waiter, Peter the Puny Prozacced Pakistani. Your date will be here shortly, as soon as he gets "done" in the bathroom. Just then, someone walks out of the bathroom. He's tall, dark, and handsome. As he sits down, Misty blushes and tries to imagine how smart and intelligent this perfect date must be...... "Daahhhh, my name is Dima, daaahhhhh, I'm a Russian war hero, daaahhh, boy you're perty, daaaaahhhhhhhhh!" "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Next? Ethan einhorn