Subject: [PW!] Holy Matrimony! Revisited
Date: Sunday, November 14, 1999 5:36 AM
I just learned for myself that getting wisdom teeth pulled really,
really sucks. The only fun part is the intravenous anesthesia and the
euphoric level of ignorance one attains when it enters their system.
^_^ I wrote this story while full of painkillers...don't expect
anything too profound. ^^;;;
--HOLY MATRIMONY! REVISITED--
_Jess has beauty, a great personality, and she's filthy rich,_ was
Kyle's first thought as he entered his girlfriend's massive Victorian
mansion. _I'd better propose to her before someone else does..._
Jessica headed right into the regally-decorated living room and
shouted dryly, "Anybody home?"
About thirty seconds later, a well-dressed, clean-shaven, brown-
haired young man who looked only slightly older than Jessica marched
haughtily down the stairs. He glanced at Jessica first. "Jessica? My
God...where on Earth did you acquire such dreadful clothing? You have
been fraternizing with the commoners far too long, I fear..." The man
then looked at Kyle and Cathode, and raised one eyebrow. "Ah...and I
see my little sister has brought a few of the filthy hovel-dwellers
with her, too. I suppose you and your Pikachu, boy, are welcome to
stay here...at least until I summon my Growlithe to remove you."
Kyle glowered at the brown-haired man, and Cathode followed suit.
"Screw you very much," Kyle snapped.
The man turned toward Jessica and asked, "If I may be so bold,
Jessica, whatever do you see in these...troglodytes? Why does my
little sister continue to so ardently resist her Sullivan heritage?"
"So she won't wind up an egotistical bigot like her big brother,"
Jessica shot back.
"I see your skill for repartee has not dulled in your six-year
absence," John monotonously responded. "Perhaps we *will* be able to
salvage your arranged marriage..."
"Arranged marriage?!" Jessica cried.
"Arranged marriage," John echoed.
"Six-year absence?!" Kyle exclaimed. "Er...I mean...arranged
"You heard correctly," John stated. "The fiancé that Mother and
Father chose for you has waited long enough, I believe. I am sure you
will like him when you meet him, Jessica. Not only is he refined, but
he is one of the greatest Pokémon trainers there is. He was
disqualified from being Pokémon League champion only on a minor
technicality." John grinned slightly. "And if you don't like him,
well, you will have the rest of your life to start liking him."
"Read my lips, John," Jessica replied. "*No* arranged marriage!
This is Cerulean City, not Calcutta! I'm sorry I ever came back
here!" She took Kyle by one arm and headed for the exit.
With that, John leapt over to a wall-mounted control panel near
the main entrance, and hit a button. Iron bars slammed down over every
door and window, making sure no one would get in or out of the
house. "We knew you would come back inevitably, however," John
cackled. "And we prepared. Jessica, Mother and Father are *not*
asking for much. All they want is for you to marry the man that they
went to great lengths to find for you. I would so hate to see Mother
and Father disappointed...so I have taken it upon myself to see that
their demand is fulfilled. It is a pity that they are currently away
on business...they will not get to witness the wedding of
their daughter. But that is of little consequence."
Kyle sweatdropped. _Jeez...if this hellspawn is only Jessica's
brother, I'd hate to meet her parents,_ he thought.
John then reached into a pants pocket and pulled out a Pokéball.
"Tangela, keep our guests in place while I go get Jessica's fiancé."
He tossed the Pokéball at Kyle's feet, and out came a large vine-covered
creature that looked remarkably like one of the McDonald's Fry Kids.
"Bind attack!" John headed up the stairs, confident that his Tangela
could handle things.
Before Kyle or Jessica could counter with Pokémon of their own,
Tangela somehow quadrupled the length of a few of its vines and wrapped
the long vines tightly around Kyle and Jessica, immobilizing their
arms. Recognizing commoners when it saw them, Tangela then used its
Constrict attack on Kyle until he passed out. Seeing that, Jessica
suddenly realized that it would actually be to her advantage to let
herself transform into Scyther mode. She could turn Tangela into a
Julienne Fry Kid, and also have a good chance of stopping the wedding.
Jessica was willing to bet that there were not very many upper-class
men out there who would marry a were-Scyther, so she started struggling
in hope of getting her adrenaline level high enough to trigger her
Unfortunately, she did not get to transform, however. The second
that it noticed Jessica struggling, Tangela paralyzed her with a shower
of Stun Spores.
By that time John came back down the stairs. "Jessica, I
present...your husband-to-be." He motioned toward the top of the
stairs, and as Jessica weakly looked up, she saw another well-dressed
young man that she knew all too well descending to the first floor.
"My, what a small world it truly is," the familiar young man
commented, upon recognizing Jessica.
"Hello, Enzo," Jessica said under her breath. Sure enough, the
fiancé that had been picked for her was Vincenzo Larufa, the trainer
that had been pestering Kyle and Jessica on multiple occasions ever
since their trip to Celadon. But this time Vincenzo was speaking in an
snooty British accent instead of his usual thick Brooklynese accent.
Halberd, the talking Farfetch'd that almost always accompanied him, was
nowhere to be found.
"Ah, excellent...I see that you already know Vincenzo," John
"Like a lioness knows a hyena," Jessica snorted. "I wouldn't
marry this jerk if he were the last man on Earth!!!"
"Heh, heh...you're beautiful, and feisty as well," Vincenzo
responded. Then he briefly lapsed back into his normal accent: "We're
gettin' hitched, babycakes. An' ya can't do jack about it."
"You can drag me to the altar, Enzo," Jessica snapped, "but there
isn't a force in this world that can make me say 'I do!'"
"Isn't there?" Enzo laughed. "Spellbinder, I choose you!"
Vincenzo removed a Pokéball from his clean black blazer, then tossed it
in front of Jessica. From the Pokéball came a hairy yellow Pokémon
that looked like a humanoid tapir with a dense white mane around its
neck. "I always have my Hypno around for an occasion such as this,"
Vincenzo proudly announced. "Spellbinder, Hypnosis!"
From out of nowhere, the Hypno produced a gold pocketwatch on a
chain and started swinging it gently from side to side in front of
Jessica's face. "Hypno...hypno...hypno..." Spellbinder chanted.
Despite Jessica's valiant attempts to resist, it was not long before
the powerful psychic Pokémon had Jessica in a hypnotic trance. Her
muscles relaxed, and her eyes closed halfway.
"When Spellbinder claps his hands, you're going to go upstairs and
get changed into your wedding dress," Enzo told the entranced
Jessica. "We're getting married *today*."
Then Spellbinder clapped his hands. Tangela let go of Jessica,
and Jessica robotically headed upstairs to her room.
"Tan gel tan gel a?" asked the grass Pokémon, wondering what to
do with Kyle.
"Keep him around," John commanded. "This wedding will need a
witness, after all."
--HOLY MATRIMONY! REVISITED--
When Kyle eventually came to, he found himself and Cathode tied
down by Tangela to metal chairs in the mansion's back yard. There were
about forty such chairs...twenty on either side of a narrow red
carpet. All of the chairs were facing a makeshift altar, where the red
carpet ended. This was evidently where the wedding was going to
happen, but for the moment, Kyle, Cathode, and Tangela were the only
Then Kyle saw John walk down the carpet to the podium. John was
carrying with him a rolled-up piece of paper, which he eventually
unrolled and showed to Kyle. Apparently John was fully certified as a
Justice of the Peace. He really *had* prepared.
Seconds later Vincenzo came strolling down the aisle. He was
dressed in a black tuxedo with a red bow tie. He sneered evilly at
Kyle as he walked by and took his place in front of the podium.
After Enzo came Spellbinder. Spellbinder was scattering flower
petals all over the red carpet in addition to carrying the wedding
rings. The Hypno looked rather irritated to have such a humiliating
Then, from a speaker that was mounted on top of a tall wooden
pole, a recording of the "Wedding March" blared. Very slowly, the mind-
controlled Jessica, wearing an extravagant wedding gown, headed down
the aisle. "Jessica, what are you doing?! Don't tell me you're
*really* going to marry that bastard!" Kyle shouted. Jessica paid no
attention and took her place next to Enzo. "What did Enzo do to
you?!" Kyle struggled intensely to free himself from Tangela's grasp,
but Tangela pacified him with a cloud of Stun Spores.
"Ladies, gentlemen, and Pokémon," John began, as the music
spontaneously stopped. "We are gathered here in the sight of God to
unite Vincenzo Anthony Larufa and Jessica Anne Sullivan." From that
point John decided to skip the trivialities and cut right to the
chase. "The rings, please."
Spellbinder sighed and held up the velvet pillow on which the two
wedding rings sat. Enzo and Jessica each took a ring. Without even
waiting for John's cue, Enzo put his ring on Jessica's finger. "With
this ring I thee wed," he said impatiently, as if the wedding were not
proceeding fast enough for him.
Jessica then put her ring on Enzo's finger and murmured in a
monotone, almost mechanical voice, "With this ring I thee wed."
Finally Kyle had an idea. He leaned as far as he could toward
Cathode in the chair next to him and said, "Cathode...Thunderbolt."
Cathode's ears stood straight up. "Pi?" He had never been given
an order before. He was familiar with the Thunderbolt attack,
however. Cathode remembered the small black machine that had taught
him the technique. Cathode's rosy cheeks started to spark as he slowly
Oblivious to what was going on in the audience, John went on, "Do
you, Vincenzo, take Jessica to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and
to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or...well, *richer*?"
"Of course I do!" Enzo snapped.
"And do you, Jessica, take Vincenzo to be your lawful wedded
husband, to have and to hold, yadda yadda yadda?"
"Jessica, don't do it!" Kyle cried out
desperately. "Jess...I...I couldn't live with myself if I lost you..."
There was silence except for the faint electrical sounds that
emanated from Cathode. Some of what Kyle had said had actually sunk
in. Deep inside Jessica's mind, rational thought started to put up a
valiant fight against Spellbinder's Hypnosis. "I...I..." Jessica
KA-ZAPPP!!! Finally, Cathode unleashed his Thunderbolt attack,
sending a powerful electric current through Tangela's vine and into
Tangela. The blast did not do much damage to the plant Pokémon, but it
shocked Tangela enough that it let go of Kyle and Cathode. Kyle
quickly stood up and bounced a Pokéball off of Tangela's face, knocking
the grass Pokémon for a loop. Before Jessica could stutter out the one
word that would have wed her to Enzo, Kyle lunged over to her and
clapped one hand over her mouth. Enzo responded to this by kicking
Kyle in the face, thus knocking both Kyle and Jessica
over. "Spellbinder, Hypnotize these two!" Enzo ordered.
Spellbinder never got the chance to obey. From the Pokéball Kyle
had thrown came Espio the Charizard. "Jeez, I get into my Pokéball for
thirty minutes and look what happens!" he commented. Seeing Kyle and
Jessica in apparent danger, Espio scorched the unsuspecting Spellbinder
with a blue Flamethrower attack. Spellbinder's pocketwatch - the
source of his hypnotic powers - completely melted.
With the watch gone, Jessica snapped out of her trance. "Kyle?
What are we doing on the ground, and why am I wearing -"
"I'll explain later!" Kyle interrupted. Enzo recalled
Spellbinder, then prepared to throw a Pokéball at Kyle. Kyle leapt to
his feet and kicked the Pokéball out of Enzo's hand, then landed a
right cross on Enzo's jaw. With that, the cowardly John withdrew
Tangela and discreetly retreated to the safety of the mansion.
"Ya bastards ruined my weddin'!" Enzo roared in his usual accent,
as the Pokéball he had dropped suddenly opened. "Gamera, destroy 'em
From the Pokéball came an eight foot-tall bipedal turtle with two
illegally augmented water cannons protruding from its shell.
"BLAAASTOIIISE!!!" the blue reptile bellowed.
Espio's skin turned even whiter than usual. "You - you see
that?" he stammered to Kyle. "It's - it's a water Pokémon is what it
"Espio, get us out of here!" Kyle shouted. Espio sprung into
action. He frenetically tossed Kyle, Jessica, and Cathode on to his
back, then took off into the air like a fighter jet while Gamera
adjusted the pressure level on his water cannons. Satisfied with his
adjustments, the Blastoise then took aim at the airborne Charizard and
launched tremendous water blasts at him. Espio dodged the blasts in
midair as if his life depended on avoiding them...which, of course, it
did. It was the first time Kyle had seen the often-suicidal Espio
actually look out for his own well-being.
As Espio finally cleared the gate that surrounded the mansion,
Jessica realized something. "I must have left my street clothes in the
mansion...and my Pokémon along with them!" Hearing this dreadful news,
Espio fainted in midair and crashed to the ground outside the mansion
boundary. Kyle, Jessica, and Cathode were thrown from his back upon
impact. Only Jessica managed to land on her feet.
Kyle painfully stood up and recalled Espio. "This is not a
problem...I hope," he told Jessica. Kyle released Thanatos the Gengar,
who looked quite pleased to be free from his Pokéball once again.
"Thanatos, we need you to go into the mansion and see if you can
find Jessica's normal clothing," Kyle commanded.
"It should be in that room right there," Jessica added. She
pointed to one of the windows on the right side of the mansion.
"Gen gar?" Thanatos had no idea how such a strange mission had
been created for him, but he shrugged and floated through the mansion
gate and back up the hill to the mansion.
On his way he noticed Enzo and Gamera. The second they caught
sight of him, Thanatos pulled out his guitar and played a greatly
accelerated version of "Enter Sandman." The mysterious powers of the
ghostly guitar caused Enzo and his Blastoise to fall into a deep sleep.
Thanatos flew through one of the mansion's windows, and saw a
sneaky butler trying to hide a dead Pokémon body inside a closet. The
always-guilty butler, realizing he had been caught, quickly slammed the
closet door and snorted at the ghost, "You saw *nothing*!"
Realizing he had entered the wrong room, Thanatos then floated
through the wall into the next room, which was Jessica's. Jessica's
street clothes, including the belt that held her six Pokéballs and
Pokédex, were sitting on the queen-sized bed. He telekinetically
lifted the clothing and tried to float through the window to get
outside, but of course, the clothes did not go through the window.
Incensed, Thanatos smashed the window with his gaseous guitar, picked
up the clothing again, then floated back to where Jessica, Kyle, and
Cathode were patiently waiting.
"Thank you so much!" Jessica exclaimed, as Thanatos returned her
clothing and Pokémon to her. She tried to hug the black cloud of swamp
gas, but instead went right through him and fell flat on her face.
Kyle helped Jessica to her feet. "You know, Jessica, I think we
should ask my dad for help in setting up Torrasque's funeral instead of
Jessica replied, "I concur. But first, could we revisit the
Pokécenter so I can get changed and get rid of this wedding dress?"
"Personally, I think you should hang on to the dress," Kyle
suggested, with a slight smile. "You might just need it later."
Jessica grinned from ear to ear.
To think that this story was a total rush job...and it's still longer
than your average PW! story. O_o;
--K * A * R * N * I * V * A * X--
"Our wretched society is such that those who
walk on the beaten path will always throw stones
at those who are trying to show a new road." --Voltaire
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